CRYPT MAGAZINE: sex. horror. rocknroll.

In this issue: Music CD/DVD reviews of Bad Ash, Belphegor, Brain Drill, Brainstorm, Damn Valentines, Dark Tranquillity, Demiricous, Dethklok, Divine Heresy, Divinity, Eldritch, Gunslinger, Hammerfall, Horror of '59, Korpiklaani, Lizzy Borden, Paths of Possession, Sham, Slayer, Tesla, Toilet Boys, Wastescape, Wednesday 13, Zero 1 Zero, Rob Zombie.

Film Reviews: 'The Mist,' 'Saw 4,' 'Cloverfield,' 'Alien vs. Predator: REQUIEM,' Johnny Sunshine...Maximum Violence

Adult DVD Reviews: 'Radium,' 'Squirts Illustrated 2'

Reviews by: David Necro, Dark Winter, KK

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM
20th Century Fox. Directed by Colin and Greg Strause, Written by Shane Salerno, Starring Reiko Aylesworth, Steven Pasquale, John Ortiz

I can sum up this film fairly well via sound effects:
SLITHER...
"What was that?"
SLASH!
"Oh my God!"
SLITHER, SLASH...
"Get to the Chopper!"
SLITHER, SLASH, SLASH, SLITHER...WHOOOOOM...

In all fairness, this movie had potential, since the title critters are cinematic legends...I'm a particular fan of the Predator, since it's got a code of ethics to go along with all of its cool weaponry. However, it would have helped if the Strause brothers had spent a bit more on LIGHTING so viewers could SEE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!! Virtually every action scene in the film is so poorly lit that you can only see wet alien skin thrashing around. It's a crime, because the film features a hybrid "PredAlien" that would be a fascinating monster if you could see it clearly. The scenes that you can see are a small town soap opera of fairly plain characters...while they last. In AVPR, the aliens spawn so fast that the National Guard lasts all of thirty seconds! The Predator's overconfidence shows in this one, since one Predator flies to Earth to 'clean house' and winds up over his head very fast. Shane Salerno's script is somewhat decent, but the cast's lack of charisma...and the film's agonizing lack of LIGHTING...ultimately sabotages the film. (2 out of 5 Crypts) --K.K.

Bad Ash
The Boating Accident E.P.
(Rackadisaprin 2006)

These guys were about the play this year’s Orlando SCREAMFEST and I was passing by and saw their signage: BAD ASH.

“As in ‘ARMY OF DARKNESS’?” I asked.

“Hell yeah! We’re based on it…our CD even has a song ‘I Killed My Ex-Girlfriend With a Chainsaw’.” One band member told me.

Well, hell, let’s support local underground music, and horror, and all that, I thought, and bought their 6-song “Boating Accident” CD for an economical 5-spot, not expecting much at all. In fact, I even forgot I’d bought the CD until I went through my briefcase a week later.

But HOT DAMN! Bad Ash turns out to have more chops than all of the Evil Dead Films combined! The heaviest, raunchiest, fastest, funniest sextet of groovy ghoulies you’ve ever heard since GWAR! They’re like THE RAMONES with more talent. Bad Ash combines thrash, punk, metal, rockabilly, and even ska into their own bloody blend of sonic fun. Opener “Creepy” sets the tone with a fast, pounding beat, the admission of “We’re all a little Creepy” followed by “Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Zombies—HEY! HEY! HEY!” Was that a KAZOO? Never mind, keep it goin’…”DamNation” follows, just as fast and heavy, but the next song “Karate” steals the whole CD, being almost a funk&roll mosh-pit that’ll make you start chopping the air (“You want to kick it? I know Karate! I’ll make you feel like a young girl should! HAH CHA CHA CHA!”)

Of course the song “I killed my ex-girlfriend with a chainsaw” is some gory good fun, and the protagonist was cheated on, in his defense. “Better Than Ever”, and “Pretty Dead Girls” finish off the CD, just as good as the other songs, simply not as memorable. Keep the CD going and there’s a raw live mix of an untitled song, making this an actual 7-song CD. BAD ASH has six members, but the CD doesn’t say who plays what. Being self-produced, this EP might be hard to find (try www.galaxypark.net or go to myspace.com/badashrocks) but BAD ASH should be snatched up by a major label soon, due to their undeniable CHOPS.(5 out of 5 Crypts)—K.K.

Belphegor
Bondage Goat Zombie
(Nuclear Blast Records)

   First take a step back then drop to one knee, bow your head, and show your respect for the gates of absolute darkness are about to open to deliver a unholy gift upon you. Now this no ordinary gift from the other side...my friends prepare your selves for the new release from Belphegor entitled 'Bondage Goat Zombie.'

   This epic marvel of Blackened death metal is just track after track of masterful song structure and covered in layers of lush dynamic brilliance! Simply put this entire album is fucking beautifully dark and so atmospheric that you will feel imbued with the powers of darkness everlastingly pumping through your soul. I’ll tell you what the mix also possesses a life force of its own, and everything sound just the way it should. I swear the release just feels so complete in every way possible, and I can’t even complain to say I want more, because this was so fucking great that my appetite is fulfilled.

   From beginning to end the winds of darkness themselves will lift you to a plane of immortal expectance that you never want to come down from. This band is so in the mother fucking zone it is just mad crazy. Belphegor has definitely set higher standard for quality then some bands we normally see and Bondage Goat Zombie is shows it off well. In a way it reminds me of a black metal version of Iron Maiden’s 7th Son of a 7th Son in the way that you feel engulfed by the overall tone that has been set, and at no point in the journey does that feeling ever dissipate or stray from its intended path of ultimate glory.

   Man a few weeks ago I was offered the chance to interview Belphegor but I had to pass on the opportunity because of things going on in my life and also for the fact I unfortunately had never had the chance to hear Belphegor till Nuclear Blast sent me this cd. So now not only am I bummed out that I have been missing out on this really kick ass band since 1993, but now that I’m sitting here listening to this cd I could so kick the fuck out of my self for passing this up (“ARRRRRRRRRG FUCK”!!!) Anyway, don’t worry we will Still have a fucking Cypt-Tastic interview coming for you soon. All I know is I can not wait to go check out check out the rest of Belphegor catalog of goodies not that I'm hooked on this bands' brutally enchanting talented musical vision and musicianship.

In closing all that really needs to be said is that this is a one of a kind masterpiece that will most definitely captivate your heart and soul enough to open your own portal of darkness to vist anytime you wish.

P.S. I just have to say though I loved this whole album I would have to say my personal favorite has to be track 8.The Sukkubus Lustrate and track 9.Der Rutenmarsch especially at the end of track 9 when the girl just repeats this sweet ass line “drown me in your fuck” It’s such a great line to end on. -DW

http://www.myspace.com/belphegor
http://www.belphegor.at/misclinks.htm
http://www.nuclearblastusa.com

Brain Drill
Apocalyptic Feasting
(Metal Blade)

   Holy fucking castrated koala rapist I think my god dam brain just exploded while getting sucked off by a harem of corpses. Man, finally after all these years of searching for that band that would scare the fuck out of your parental units and now my quest is at an end. Wow, Jesus jumped up Christ it’s like crossing DEICIDE and Nile with ten cases of the rockstar energy drink chased with about a case or 2 of the cocaine energy drink.

   Brain Drill’s first full length release, 'Apocalyptic Feasting' is just so massively epic that some of you may not be able to absorb without having some kind of ejaculated aneurysm. If you like it fast, heavy, technical, and scary well this is the fucking cd you have been waiting for. This is an amazingly well executed full force dynamic display of relentless talent is just jaw dropping.

   Now every track here is just absolutely brutal and insures that this cd is a definite must have. What I really dig is that with all that is going on in each song, there still able to retain a well balanced song structure with such spine chilling harmonies. One that may cause a insane sporadic urge to have cataclysmic fuckgasm right in your sisters mouth, while at the same time murdering all who will oppose you in your moment of new found power of malevolent musical glory.

   Now the band recently broke up while on tour but now 2 out the 4 members have reformed Brain Drill and are currently putting the band in a state of being on hold. I just hope that they get all back together soon because already I can’t wait for the next cd and with song titles on this album like Forcefed Human Shit it just makes you wonder how much farther they are willing to push the threshold on their next release. All in all, I must recommended this for 1, it just pushes the limits of dynamic song structures and 2, any album that makes me have this many impure thought without feeling any remorse is just mother fucking impressive. Anyway great job guys and please hurry back because if you don’t give us more of this addictive goodness then who is going to tantalize our brains with musically unstoppable instinctive desires? So please do not leave us hanging!!! -DW

http://www.myspace.com/braindrill
http://www.metalblade.com/

Brainstorm
Downburst
(Metal Blade)

   Get ready for the tastiest treat you could possibly have in your heavy metal snack bag with this new release from Brainstorm entitled 'Downburst'. This cd displays the true meaning of perfect dynamic execution and brilliant song structures. Each track is a automatic classic that will not only catch your ears but steal your heart and soul away totally without a once of resistance.

   I find it amazing that this is the 7th release from brainstorm but until Metal Blade sent this enriched nuclear jewel I had never even heard of brainstorm. So with that in mind the first thing I have to do is thank people over at Metal Blade for sending me this most excellent cd and them for turning me into a instant Brainstorm junkie. The 2nd thing we most certainly all should do is drop to one knee and bow the greatness which is now known to us as Brainstorm.

   You know when you get a cd you maybe get 2 or 3 good songs and your content with that. Well don’t expect that here this cd is packed from beginning to end with nothing but one after another of musical masterpieces. I swear to you its like Odin called Sam Jackson and told him to deliver bad magic bad mother fucker wallets to each member of this band to bless them with ultimate metal talent. Fuck me running this just what need and let tell you by the time you get to track 9 you will be enchanted be this aggressive articulated of musical ecstasy. As I listen to this more and more I’m realizing that this is something you’re just going to have check this out for your self because the only way I can describe how fucking sweet this is a really weird analogy. Ok now try to stay with me here – ok you’re at a pay per view Cannibal Corpse show but instead of being in the crowd you have got a big comfy couch on the stage and you're getting blown by Jayne Seymour while slamming a bottle of Kristal. Plus, flicking off the camera to salute all the fuckers that ever picked on you in life. Yeah, you know that feeling of satisfaction that just can’t be topped. Anyway, it’s kind of like that.

    Ok lets get to the point; there is just to much yummy goodness to list and not one thing to complain about. So in closing, I don’t care what kind of music your into if it be anything from Tom Jones or Darkthrone, if you don’t at least check these power metal masters you're only fucking your self with a aluminum baseball bat wrapped in sand paper while listening the best of Yoko Ono. Yuk, now that’s painful enough without the bat thing! -DW

http://www.truemetal.org/brainstorm/
http://www.myspace.com/officialbrainstorm
www.metalblade.com/

Cloverfield
From Paramount Pictures; Produced by J.J. Abrams, Directed by Matt Reeves, Written by Drew Goddard, Starring Michael Stahl-David, Mike Vogel, T.J. Miller, Odette Yustman, Lizzy Caplan, Jessica Lucas

The BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS is BACK, and You Are THERE, thanks to the hand-held video camera of a panicking slacker much like yourself! That's the premise of CLOVERFIELD, which is an intriguing blend of the BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and every 60's Giant Monster Movie you've ever seen.

The entire film is from one videotape, identified as 'property of the Department of Defense' (and chillingly introduced as “found in the area formerly known as Central Park”)Messrs. Reeves and Goddard clearly want you to identify with the young, hip cast...which is why CLOVERFIELD starts off with a long, mostly boring back-story about the main characters. In retrospect, it's necessary, because a documentary about a giant monster attacking Manhattan would be too much like the BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS. Courtesy of the long, boring back-story, CLOVERFIELD actually becomes a postmodern heroic quest for a man to save a woman from peril in spite of suicidal odds.

A going-away party for Rob Hawkins (bound for JAPAN, hint hint) is interrupted by his girlfriend Beth's arrival with a new beau in tow. Some emotional friction ensues, cut short by her leaving in a huff, then thunderous footsteps, collapsing buildings, and the head of the Statue of Liberty crashing to rest at the base of our heroes' apartment building.

From then on our heroes are on the run through Manhattan, along with everyone else in the city, while Rob's best friend 'Hud' accidentally videotapes everything. The shaky video journal of Rob's suicidal attempt to save Beth is the film's 'hook', and its fatal flaw. While Hud's camera provides a gripping sense of realism, it's also one hell of an irritating way to watch a film. The various monsters—when they're shown—make the BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS look like overfed alligators by comparison, as they pimp-slap their way through Manhattan (“Whatever it is, it's winning”, a grim soldier reports). The only other flaw of CLOVERFIELD is in the title itself; it makes Lightning Swords of Death sound like A Bunch of Chinese Guys Sword-Fighting Each Other. Beyond those flaws, CLOVERFIELD is both a cool salute to the Giant Monster Movie, and a nonstop serving of cinematic mayhem at the same time. (four out of five Crypts) --K.K.

Damn Valentines
Broadcast For The Broken....
(Self release)

Well, this is a pretty straight forward cd and it’s not bad, but then again it really doesn’t offer a lot musically. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I didn’t like it or something. To be honest these guys have a pretty good sound but the songs though good just left you with a sort of lack luster sense on the overall. Best way to put is that these are the kind of songs that if you were at party and it was playing in the background it would be just fine. I would like to hear these guys could really do with some better song structures because they definitely sound like they have potential.

I like to hear them live to get a better feel for the nature of their sound but besides that they have a good sound it’s just a little rough around the edges. This is something you might want to give a chance but I have a feeling this just one of those bands that have a better live presence. So by no means am I giving this the thumbs down but it just doesn’t give a rock hard chubby. -DW

http://damnvalentines.com
http://www.myspace.com/damnvalentines

Dark Tranquillity
Fiction
(Century Media Records)

    Well, if you were looking for something to add to your winamp playlist while you’re playing World Of Warcraft well look no further! 'Fiction,' the new release from Dark Tranquillity will make your soul soar to new heights never before imagined. This atmospheric dream sequence of a release will have you begging for more and more as it drifts your spirit into darkness.

   'Fiction' is a great example of how to give breathing room to your song structure and by doing that, it adds a great dynamic that’s brings life to you creation. One of the coolest things about this cd is that every song gives off the feeling of having an equal value, and that may be from the fact that it is so well balanced. This balance is definitely the key feature here. It’s in the songs and in the production which when those 2 elements are fused, it blossoms into pure emotion. From that, it takes your mind and sets at ease so instead of concentrating on the mathematical structures you can just sit back and indulge yourself by basking in the greatness of the music like it should be.

   Dark Tranquillity has most efficiently given us a beautiful piece of art that will sweetly whisper darkness into our ears for a long time to come. Fiction is so worth the buy. I highly recommend it and look forward to hearing more from these guys in the future.
There is not one bad thing about this album except now I know where most of these new crappy hardcore bands have been ripping off sounds from. But it doesn’t matter since they will never capture the magic that a band like this has obtained! -DW

http://www.darktranquillity.com/

http://www.myspace.com/dtofficial

http://www.centurymedia.com/

Demiricous
(Two) Poverty
(Metal Blade)

   Alright, this release is pretty straight fucking forward and I have to say that each track is killer but I have to admit the songs get better as you get more into later tracks. The first thing that this band will remind you of is a thicker Slayer without a doubt, and that’s not a bad thing since Slayer kicks ass. Aggressive force is what this album shows the most, and these guys sound like they have lots of it judging from the way they play. The best part of this disk is most defintely the leads though. They are so fucking in the pocket, that you’ll just find your self waiting in ecstasy for their powerful screams.

   Though this is a really kick ass album all the way through and wasexcellently heavy especially in the bass drums (WOW BOOMY ASS SHIT BUT FUCKING SWEET.) All that considering, I only realy had one problem with this, and that was the mix on the cymbals; they seemed really low. With all that power going forth, I think that little extra volume in the high end would have add a nice crisp crunch to help complement the obvious talent of this killer drummers sound.

   They're old school thrash/speed metal mixed with death metal. No question about it, these guys kick ass and you can hear their influences in their sound. Not to mention a fucking great amount of precisely accurate talent. Though this just one of those bands I think would sound way fucking better live just from the overall feel on this cd. I have to say the last track is my favorite and makes a great ending for a damn great cd. -DW

http://www.demiricous.com/

http://www.myspace.com/demiricous

http://www.metalblade.com

Ok first off, let’s get something out of the way for all you fuck bags out there who are all pissed of about this band. Music is one of our most beloved art forms, and in that respect let’s not forget that art can take on a life of its own. In this case, we have an artist that loves music to its full potential. He appreciates its meanings and idealisms more than most people will ever be able to comprehend. Brendon Small seems to understand what it is all about, and that’s just fucking great for someone like me who loves every aspect about music with all of its artistic capabilities. When he created this show, he tossed all of the true musical essence into it so well that by doing that it poured life and soul into this TV rendition of art. Now that’s where the magic happens. Dethklok comes to life and you think, "Holy shit this feels right." From all of the feeling the characters give off, it feels very alive.

   What I am getting at is when you go to Disneyland and you meet Mickey Mouse. You know it’s a guy in a costume correct? I know that but shit I met Mickey once and hell I am 32 years undead and when I saw that damn mouse I flipped. The point here is most peoples' hearts will still melt when they see Mickey and they know that it doesn’t matter about the guy in the costume. The truth here is that it is the pure essence of the cartoon mouse (ART) that they know and love and suspend real world belief. Then the next thing you know, you're hugging some guy in a giant mouse suit because you believe in Mickey and what the fuck is wrong with that? Hell if you love art you have to love it as a whole. Which that means to step outside the box and let the art speak/through to you.

   Another great way to look at it is that bands like Gwar. A band that does their music through characters that they have created, and then they dress up as those characters and perform. There are other bands like Echo and the Bunny Men who did not have a flesh and blood drummer so they got a drum machine then named him Echo. Though I am not familiar with them, don’t forget The Gorillaz which is a virtual band. At this point if you’re not getting what I am trying to convey to you then art is something you should not try to understand. In that case you should just forget anything about music, film, books, and the performance arts and just live an ignorant boring life like the brainless cattle trying to fit into society.

   Shit those are the kind of heartless and soulless bastards that only care about the realism of things. They are the same dicks that tell there kids that the Easter Bunny is a pedophile. Not to mention they do not understand why there are people who cry when they read, hear, or see something sad in the art that they view. The above mentioned people will never understand the amount of emotion plus brain candy that all art has to offer to us.

   I remember being a little kid loving metal thinking, "man why can’t I have a cartoon to match like a Black Sabbath Saturday morning." Then when I got older and got into playing guitar I kept thinking man I just want to make this crazy ass band but just never found what I wanted out of it. So here I am years later sitting down one night and boom I saw Dethklok then thought some got it right that’s the kind of band I was talking about. So for me it was like Brendon Small reached into the back of my mind and went with it then animated the type of band I always wanted. The thing here is just plain and simple as it could be this is a man that loves metal so much he used his other creative talents to deliver us something special to celebrate it. So to all you haters out their go fuck your selves. I hope you all die a slow and painful death and may what ever god you believe in have no mercy on your soul. One more thing, it is great to see so much fan support from not just all of us ordinary jackoffs but from the other metal bands like Cannibal Corpse. Hell I caught a interview with Corpsegrinder wearing a Dethklok shirt. Anyway let’s face it, this guy is really fucking creative and talented as hell. So let us treat this review no different than any other band out there flesh or not; they are a real band.

Dethklok
The Dethalbum (deluxe edition)
(Williams Street)

   Blacker than the blackest black ... times infinity comes an album of massive proportions and here it is The Dethalbum. This new release from musical gods Dethklok is packed full of new studio versions of songs from their library of monster hits. This kind of best of cd has songs from Dethwater and some songs that never been released on any of their previous albums. not to mention some absolutely brand new tracks. This 2 cd set is a must have for any true metal fan out there and the fact of the mater is every song on here is a hit but of course it’s Dethklok.

   First let’s get into the overall sound and man is it ever so fucking metal as it gets. Dethklok producer Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler has gone far and beyond the call of duty as he usually does. The mix has a brilliant blend of mild tones so nothing stands out farther than it should which makes it fucking great at loud volumes. Now there are some bands that just could not pull off this kind of mix with such a gentle tone but again it’s fucking Dethklok. The thing about this release is that each song fits so well it does not matter in which order you play them in. Knubbler has wonderfully captured the true power of the music by giving you well balanced mix and not to mention a pure recording sound like Iron Maiden’s 7th Son of a 7th Son album.

   What really got me fueled up were the songs structures and dynamic choices. Song after song of just shear genius and non stop amazement of cataclysmic explosions will turn you into a fucking junkie in no time. The drums are a great example of what I am talking about and as soon as you hear your first death soaked track it will all become clear. Pickles drums are best described as tight, fast, thunderous, rhythmic, and tactically well placed time. I swear, he just comes at you in a furious articulation that will just blast you into submission and then all of a sudden gives you a chance to catch your breath. That’s so it too...he know sjust when to give this huge breathing space to just allow other parts of the music wisp you away in a body bag. Though his mad drum skills show from beginning to end my favorite of his is at about 2:25 into Awaken and he just does this little thing off the ride cymbal that drives me fucking nuts. I LOVE IT.

   Now don’t think that the tactical dispersion ends with Pickles because that is far from the truth. Toki Wartooth’s bone crushing, skull cracking, display of shredtastic rhythms that just seems to chunk you into the sensation of hitting someone with a Cajun flavored pipe wrench. Let’s also not forget the guttural hammer of doom himself William Murderface and his ability of thunder bombing his bass right through hells heart. So when these 3 epic masters of mayhem unite to form the entity that is the rhythm section of Dethklok that’s when brutality takes its true form. This release absolutely shows off this technically dynamic yet simplified designed rhythm of divine rapture and most likely to leave a Rotted Body Landslide of eviscerated emo kids.

   Skwisgaar Skwigelf just slams the icing of finger licking madness on top of this all ready baked cake of brutality. A soulful demonic sounding set of screaming leads that just seem to lift you up and carry you away. Skwisgaar gives off a magical sensation in his approach of his lead style. It’s almost like a Lord of the Rings or D&D kind of feeling in his playing that you just can’t seem to get enough of. Last but most certainly not least, Nathan Explosion’s soft spoken growls will enthrall even more than you already are. As always Nathan delivers a vocal and lyrical whirlwind. Now what I really thought was great was how Nathan and Pickles sang together on Hatredcopter. These guys all brought their A-games to this cd and it is already a classic in my book.

         The Dethalbum debuted at #21 on the Billboard charts and according to Wikipedia that makes this the highest charting Death Metal album of all time. In the first week of sales going by Nielsen SoundScan sold about 34,000 copies and from what I heard most stores sold out because they didn’t order enough. So sales could have been a lot more than they were and they already beat out most bands that week not just in sales but in chart positions. They also had to press more copies of this limited edition 2 cd set since they sold out of them the day of the release. Hell people have been buying up all the standard cd’s until they can get their hands on this set. Now from what we have all heard is when they go to press more copies that there will be a special version of Go into the Water with more double bass. I know that I can’t wait to here that and if anyone finds out when it is out please email me.

   An automatic winner here from begging to end and if you can’t enjoy this then you’re an absolute douchebag. This 2 cd set also includes the music video for the new song Bloodrocuted on the 2nd disk. The list of songs is just fucking great –

Disc: #1
1. Murmaider
2. Go Into the Water
3. Awaken
4. Bloodrocuted
5. Go Forth And Die
6. Fansong
7. Better Metal Snake
8. The Lost Vikings
9. Thunderhorse
10. Briefcase Full Of Guts
11. Birthday Dethday
12. Hatredcopter
13. Castratikron
14. Face Fisted
15. Dethharmonic
16. Deththeme

Disc: #2
1. Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle
2. Blood Ocean
3. Murdertrain 'a Comin'
4. Pickles Intro
5. Kill You
6. Hatredy
7. Dethklok Gets In Tune

   Anyway get this mother fucker other wise your metal membership card will be revoked and then you will be force to listen to Stryper forever. My only complaint is that Dethklok needs to hurry on a follow up cd because there are a lot more songs I want to hear like Electric Eel Chair, Guts Punched, Balls Throw Up and Blood Puke. So in closing, to all you Dethklok fans out there that stood by and supported them all the way, keep it up guys. Now let us all go into the water and let us go forth and die.

DETHKLOK RULES!!! -DW

http://www.myspace.com/dethklok
http://www.dethklok.org/
http://www.adultswim.com/williams/music/dethklok/index.html
http://www.dethalbum.com/

Divine Heresy
Bleed the Fifth
(Century Media Records)

   Dino Cazares new project Divine Heresy debut with full force on their first release 'Bleed the Fifth.' Now this cd has plenty of speed with no doubt and has kick ass leads that just grab by the short and curly’s. Some other great points were really cool sounding choruses that powerfully caught your attention, and some fucking sweet middle section ambient keyboards that you would come to expect from his previous work in Fear Factory.

   Ok, now that I listed the good lets get into the bad, and let’s start with those wonderful things I just talked about like the keyboards. Sure they sound great but they are short and few and you’ll know what I mean in a minute. While there is plenty of great music here by very talented musicians and with kicks ass song structures, in the end you feel a little left out. The problem lies in the dynamics of each song, and what I mean is while the structures are well built, they are not getting what they deserve in the dynamic layout. Now the problem with that is you will end up with brutal kick ass music that had the potential to do so much more then that. This cd had a opportunity to be a epic god-sized foot step. But while it’s a good cd that I would defiantly listen to again with no regret, it still falls short from being what it could have been even with the talented line up and great musicians.

   One of the biggest things was the fact that it just had no breathing room. The bass and drums just seemed at a constant. Normally you just get enough double bass but here it seemed overly abused. Which instead of the blast beats making the song more powerful, in this case it felt like it took the life right out of them. Not to mention there were a few points where the timing felt a little sloppy in the placement of the bass and drums. Instead of getting you all fired up it left you feeling confused. Besides all the unbalanced dynamic placements there was the issue of the overall mix it self. Now yes there are times when dry is a good choice in sound but here this is not the case. The verses are so dry that when you combined them with the awkward bass/drum sound it just begins to zap the energy away from what should be a high octane of a song.

Now the one song that suffered the least of these crippling production choices was the track "Closure." This well drawn power ballad alone made this worth the buy, and don’t think that I did not like this disc. The truth is I loved it I think these guys kick ass. The songs are fucking awesome I am totally glad I got it, but here is where you need to learn about who you let do the producing portions of your art. Also, to learn that when you're in the studio listening to the mix being played back through the monitors stop and think "does this mix really show what we truly are?" In a case like this, Dino should have grabbed his axe and hit Logan Mader in the fucking head with it. Oh, if you kill him just 'Bleed The Fifth' Dino!

Anyway, great cd guys. I cant wait to hear the next one. But hey Dino, I think you should try producing the next one I have faith in you. For you are a true Brother of Metal!!! -DW

http://www.centurymedia.com/

http://www.myspace.com/divineheresyband

Divinity
Allegory
(Nuclear Blast Records)

   Allegory is the first full length release by Divinity, and let me assure you that this has none of that standard weak sounding first cd bull shit. Right from the first track, the gloves seem to come right off as they fly out of the ring and cold cock the pope explosive sound.

   I love this full fledged aggressive articulation of pure soul invigorating power that each track just delivers, and it is just one after another of instant bad mother fuckers.

   But don’t you start thinking that’s all that this cd has to offer, because there just so much more beyond that. What do I mean? Feeling you dumb fuck! That’s right, there is an over all feeling driven by the bands pure talent for having a splendor of assortments from an arsenal derived from a musical can of whoop ass. A beautiful balance of metal styles stuffed in a blender of melodic genius that will most definitely have you soaring through the fired filled sky whit a full on robot chubby.

   Now the only thing that sucks ass was that it was over too quickly. It was just so fucking good that I didn’t want it to end. I mean fuck, especially those soul screaming solos. They got me so hopped up it made me just want fuck god right in the mouth while he wears a clown mask and a cowboy hat. I will tell you what, if you're looking for something new to get, this totally what you want to fill that void. I just can’t wait to hear more of this insane brain train out of hell ride. But even though this cd felt short it doesn’t matter because it’s replay value is priceless. -DW

http://www.divinity.ca/
http://www.myspace.com/divinitymetal
http://www.nuclearblast.de

Eldritch
El Nino
(LIMB MUSIC)

   Ok let’s jump right in here, and at first I was wondering why with a brand new cd out why the record company sent me a 10 year old cd but now I don’t care. Since I have never heard this band before, this re-release of El Nino gave me a nice glance into their past. This is so old school sounding even for the time period it was originally released that it is insane. This band is just loaded with a pure emotional essence that just pours out and flows constantly thru your inner spirit. The thing I’m really digging about the overall sound is for one the mix. This beautifully blended mix has a presence that it was recorded in a large church which just adds this ambience that just won’t quit. The second thing is the high end dynamical architecture of the music itself. Each song build is well crafted into a mystically enchanted gem and from song to song as you travel thru this cd that gems power will grow.

   The more I hear this release it makes me want to rush out and hear what the new cd sounds like in comparison. I'll tell you what, if the record company doesn’t send us the new disk soon I’m going have to go and get it myself. For me, I kind of hear some familiar things that I love from some other bands, and no I am not saying they sound the same but I hear sounds that make me think maybe there might be some influence. I hear in the keyboard work sounds that remind me of lot of Vince DiCola which I really like that since I am a fan of his work / style of playing and composing. Now on the vocals there is a little of that Avalanch tone in his voice and it just deliverers a power that will bury your foot to the gas pedal.

   There is a lot of great talent here musically to positively charge you up enough that you may think that you have downed 15 monsters with 12 pots of coffee. The other great thing about this re-release is that you have a good amount of bonus tracks with demos and unreleased tracks which adds up to 16 tracks of kicks ass music. Now, since this a little lighter stuff kind of in that Fates Warning style of sound but way more intricate, and in that respect if you're too narrow minded to check something like that out than this may not be your cup of tea. Then again, in case you may want to consider this A SHOTGUN IN YOUR MOUTH because there is some damn fine music going on here! -DW

http://www.eldritchweb.com/Links.asp

http://www.myspace.com/neighbourhell

http://www.limb-music.de/cgi-bin/limb.cgi

Gunslinger
Earthquake In E Minor
(Earthquake Records)

This is the brain child of long-time Hawkwind bassist Alan Davey. What we have here is a combination of the Motörhead sound and the Hawkwind sound. It's done very well and the musicianship is outstanding.

However, the production is very poor. It robs the power that I suspect this band has. There's very little to no bass and top end. It's very midrangey and again, doesn't convey much power that's just waiting to burst out of the speakers.

The music is pure rock n' roll and nothing else. If you're a big-time Motörhead and Hawkwind fan, do not hesitiate to pick this up. Just beware that the sound isn't very good. -DN

HammerFall
Steel Meets Steel: Ten Years of Glory
(Nuclear Blast Records)

    Ok I know what your thinking, you already have all the Hammerfall cd’s in the world and why the fuck beside from a collectors stand point would I need this? Well, let tell you why and the reason is that tracks 1, 2, on cd 1 and 12 on the seconded cd are abso-mother-fukkin-lutely new and we get a new recorded version of the song Hammerfall on cd 1 track # 3. Let us not also forget the video for the rough mix of Hammerfall version 2.0.07 on the cd rom portion of cd 2. Just with those facts in mind it makes this cd well worth the buy. The new track will just blow you right the fuck away to the point where you will realize that you need a louder system. Now for those of you that may have been wanting to check out more of the Hammerfall library but just don’t have the cash to dump into it this is a great way to get that process started. And with a track listing like this you just cant go wrong.

CD 1

   1. The Abyss (new)
   2. Last Man Standing (new)
   3. HammerFall v2.0.07
   4. The Dragon Lies Bleeding
   5. Steel Meets Steel
   6. Glory to the Brave
   7. Heeding the Call
   8. At the End of the Rainbow
   9. Legacy of Kings
10. Let the Hammer Fall (Live)
11. Templars of Steel
12. Renegade
13. Always Will Be
14. Keep the Flame Burning
15. Riders of the Storm

CD 2

   1. Hearts on Fire
   2. Crimson Thunder
   3. Hero's Return
   4. Blood Bound
   5. Secrets
   6. Fury of the Wild
   7. Never, Ever
   8. Threshold
   9. Natural High
10. Dark Wings, Dark Words
11. The Fire Burns Forever
12. Restless Soul (new)
13. The Metal Age (Live)
14. Stone Cold (Live)
15. HammerFall v2.0.07 (cdrom video mpeg- Rough mix version)

   This is a great cd and I highly recommend it without a doubt. But, I do have to say I wish they would have a remake or a live version of the song Destined For Glory off of the cd Renegade. Just because it is one of my favorites, but beside that this a great buy anyway you look at it. -DW

hammerfall.net
http://www.nuclearblastusa.com

Horror of 59
The Golden Age of Sin
(Shark Attack records)

Well let me get right to the point on this one and if I were you I would grab a big bag of nachos. What nachos you say, but why? Well, to be blunt though this band isn’t a bad thing it’s just filled with so much cheese that you will feel the need to start dipping. Now if I walked into a bar and these guys were on stage jammin' I would not complain but as for a retail version a band like this I can only see it being played as a once an a while thing. But nothing to make you run to the nearest church to desecrate a nun in a orderly fashion of you choice. I mean for fuck sake they don’t suck they just don’t make you want to rock out with your cock out in no way shape or form. Hell, for me a song here or there seems pretty ok, but if you try to sit all the way through this at once you may begin to feel slightly nauseous. Let’s just wrap it up with saying that it’s kind of like a cheep misfits knock off that you don’t seem to mind in shorts spurts and with a some what a Blaze Bailey type of singer. But don’t let that get your hopes up to much. But hell give it a whirl and see what you think. This just seems to me that there are bands that could do this much better. -DW

http://www.myspace.com/horrorof59
www.horrorof59.com/

JOHNNY SUNSHINE...MAXIMUM VIOLENCE
From Dissolve Pictures

Don't say you weren't warned; MAXIMUM VIOLENCE is right there in the title. If the human soul had a scrotum, JOHNNY SUNSHINE would shove her sexy stiletto-heeled boot right in there. This budget bloodbath has a lot going for it, but it's got a few drawbacks as well.
First off, it delivers a somewhat fresh take on the zombie genre—at least one that hasn't been done to death. A chemical accident has created a cataclysmic contagion of zombies, and a situation for the survivors much like Romero's LAND OF THE DEAD: Cities wall themselves up for protection, and charge a hefty 'entrance fee' for anyone seeking safety within them. Outside in “The Sprawl”, survivors battle the undead, and each other, while they plot and scheme to raise the money for the entrance fees. One such scheme, from a ruthless film producer named Max, is to turn the zombies into entertainment via snuff films and 'zombie porn'. His star performer is the titular Johnny Sunshine, an equally amoral porn performer-slash-hitwoman who truly puts the 'ass' in assassin. While she slices, dices and tortures zombies and humans alike for Max's films, he simultaneously records a sickeningly professional 'sales demo' for the closest City council in order to secure his citizenship and continue his lurid enterprise. He also explains, in cold-blooded CEO-speak, that his star Johnny Sunshine has hit a 'sales plateau' and therefore must be 'canceled' (three guesses what that means).
The story itself is quite good; it does borrow a lot from some previously made films, but it borrows from the best: SIN CITY, LAND OF THE DEAD, SAW, THE ROAD WARRIOR, AMERICAN PSYCHO, and others. Much of the dialogue seems to be channeled straight from the late Charles Bukowski. Some creative photography, art work, and slick visuals add to its originality (Max's soullessly professional 'sales video' is a work of sheer brilliance). JOHNNY SUNSHINE demonstrates that anyone with a good story, a DV camera, and some cooperative friends can make a decent movie for pennies on the dollar.
On the downside, JOHNNY SUNSHINE is a decently made movie, but it kicks decency itself out the window. It does deliver Maximum Violence, but it mostly delivers torture. Most of Johnny's victims are strapped down or chained up, so she can leisurely butcher them with pliers, saws, drills and stapleguns. One female victim is sodomized with a crowbar. Any horror aficionado might appreciate some creative gore once in a while, but only the Marquis De Sade could find the entertainment value in these scenes. Some evenly-matched combat really would improve the film (most zombie movies create heroes by single characters battling overwhelming odds, but in Johnny's neck of the woods, they lumber up to her one at a time, making them pathetic prey). Most viewers will eventually want to see the tables turned on Johnny, but when they are turned it's from a corrupt cop even more evil than she is.
Other drawbacks are in the cast (with the exception of Max, most are monotone, emotionless performers) and its sets (obviously a series of nearly identical apartments). While there's plenty of blood to go around, the zombies seem to be regular guys with blue-tinged skin.
Overlook its flaws (which are unfortunately amplified by the unforgiving Digital Video format), and you'll find a spark of evil genius at the core of JOHNNY SUNSHINE. Let's hope Dissolve Pictures ventures a larger-budgeted remake, like Sam Raimi did with THE EVIL DEAD...that would make for some MAXIMUM VIOLENCE that's more entertaining.

(2.5 out of 5 Crypts)
-K.K.

Korpiklaani
Korven Kuningas
(Nuclear Blast Records)

   Before I get into this cd, let me first take a moment to thank Nuclear Blast Records for sending us some of the most spectacular bands out there, and giving us a chance to hear such wonderful acts.

   Korven Kuningas is a hands down superb release and is just absolutely a splendor of sugar coated dreams that dances across the ears. This Finnish folk metal delight has an excellent mix and is very well balanced on all the instruments not to mention great tones on the overall sound. The song structures are a simply a wonderfully brilliant design that follow their dynamic capabilities to the max, and which allows all the instruments to come together properly, and fulfill their destinies in making each song sound as best as it possibly can.

   The thing I really dig is the over abundance of diversity provided in the instruments. But at the same time, nothing stands out over top of something else. It is like this band knows the true meaning of being a band in the respect of using their individual talents together as an impenetrable unit. Same goes for the album itself. Each song seems as equally good as any other and I like that.

   This cd is one of the most pleasurable things that I have ever heard and so feels like a massive celebration of music. I can not stress how much this a must have if you're like me and just enjoy good music. -DW

Lizzy Borden
Appointment With Death
(Metal Blade)

To tell you the truth, even though these guys have been around since 1983, until now I've only heard their cover of Born To Be Wild. I remember that I thought it was an alright cover of the song, and that’s the first and last thing I ever heard from them. Then they send me this cd, and I’m thinking "holy shit these guys are still around." That kind of gets some thoughts stirring in the old noggin about if that’s a good or bad thing. Well, I started thinking about what little I knew of them, and with the crappy time period we live in today, how would they sound now? So for a few days I sat just staring at this cd thinking do “DO I HAVE TO? I DON’T THINK I GONNA LIKE THIS." So, I finally get up the courage to find out what I am in for. Yes, I was actually afraid of it, but I figured worse case scenario I’ll just stare at the hot chicks on the cover if it’s that bad and drown it out.

BY THE WAY QUICK NOTE – please tell me I’m not the only one here that fucking hates spell check. I swear to everything unholy if this mother fucker automatically changes one more god dam word that is what is supposed to be with a word that is not even fucking near the word, I am going to piss all over Bill Gates.

ANY WHOOOOO, I turn this cd on and I hear thundering drums that leads into some really kick ass music. Fuck yes, I am so fucking happy I don’t have to give a bad Review (SWEET!) I love a great surprise, and Lizzy sure delivers it in this release all the way through. Now I don’t really know what they sounded like before, but god dam this is a smoking little album. It kind of reminds of Helloween mixed with a little Skid Row type of sound that just works ever so well. I got to say this is just what I needed; to hear something new but with that old feel to it. It is like hair metal with balls, and not only do I love this cd, but I cant wait to go back and check out their older shit now.

The over all mix is smooth as hell and gives it a nice tight but clean sound. Each song is wonderfully assembled with tight structures and well placed dynamic twists. From beginning to end, this cd is just filled with a positive but dark sounding thump. What I thought was great was there is 11 tracks in total, and not one of them felt weak at any point. Personally, I thought every member of the band and the special guests that participated in this release displayed their talent in a well executed manner! Now the one song that I think I loved the most was the power ballad which is track 11 entitled "The Darker Side." Such a beautifully crisp piece of music that really shows off Lizzy Borden’s vocal abilities. It just had that sound that I think we all missed from those days of kick ass power ballads.

No bull shit here. This is a great fucking cd and I am straight up telling you to check this out. I believe that if you at least give this disk a chance like I did you will not be disappointed. Lizzy Borden thank you for sticking in there and releasing something new that just fucking blew me away. You guys just gained one more fan. Oh by the way, I mentioned some special guests, well here you go. Let’s see we got George Lynch, which we know this mother fucker can tear that six string all up. Ok we also have Dave Meniketti of Y&T and Jesus Christ does anyone remember the last time you even hear the name Y&T (lol.) That’s so fucking great...pulling one out of the wood work isn’t it? Erik Rutan from Hate Eternal and Cory Beaulieu from Trivium are also on this all-star list.

Anyway go get this fucker. -DW

http://www.lizzyborden.com/
http://www.myspace.com/lizzybordenband
http://www.metalblade.com/

THE MIST

Directed by Frank Darabont, Based on a novella by Stephen King, Starring Thomas Jane, Laurie Holden, Andre Braugher, Marcia Gay Harden.

The Mist seems to be Stephen King’s salute to H.P. Lovecraft, where Cthulhu-style creatures from another dimension lay siege to a small town supermarket and the unfortunate yokels trapped inside. It’s also apparently Frank Darabont’s effort to make one of the most horrifying films in history, and he nearly succeeds…a few flaws plague this otherwise jolting experience. When the Mist rolls in—bringing with it assorted monsters so large their own mass would crush them—their human snacks band into two different groups for survival. The group with a spoonful of brain opts to follow Thomas Jane (The Punisher, Dreamcatcher) who acts rationally enough and has a really square jaw, but whose character is a commercial artist, while actual soldiers stand around cluelessly. The slower class forms a cult around a deranged female preacher played by Marcia Gay Harden, although in my humble opinion the cult forms much too quickly, considering she portrays one of the most obnoxious religious zealots on record. (Virtually every audience member wanted her hung, drawn and quartered). The survivors bicker among themselves to a ridiculous degree, but I’m happy to report the flaws end there.

The Mist remains faithful to its source material, which is one hell of a horror story. Desperately improvised battles against freakish monstrosities lead to some of the most jaw-dropping gore in years, making Arachnophobia, Jaws, and Alien seem like a beauty contest by comparison. While the original tale left no end to the horror, the film version has an ending which is weirdly downbeat and upbeat at the same time. Performances are good, if not stellar, by every cast member…Jane in particular projects both everyman heroism and searing anguish. The film’s trailers and posters cannot do it justice: in spite of its flaws, The Mist should thoroughly chill virtually every viewer. (4 out of 5 Crypts)—K.K.

Paths Of Possession
The End Of The Hour
(Metal Blade)

   Corpsegrinder fans prepare for a fucking treat of epic proportions, and no I’m not talking about a harem full of naked big breasted women covered in chocolate syrup. Though as nice as that sounds this is just ass fucking awesome, and here it is the new release from the Corpsegrinder fronted Paths of Possession. The End Of The Hour is a fucking killer cd from start to finish, and this brutal fucker is so on the ball its mad; maybe even a little insane. The over all sound is so well mixed and balanced that it allows you to dive right into the meaty goodness of this painfully pleasure filled experience. So slam this mother fucker in, crank the volume, and grab your implements of destruction thus preparing for this musical onslaught!

   Every mind blowing track will have you moshing like a drunken stormtrooper through your mothers living room, and with Corpsegrinder’s power driven vocals any attempt by your mother to save the rest of the house will die in vain. Exciting is the best way to describe the cd, and let me tell you it will get your blood boiling to where your heads will whistle like a tea kettle. I swear there is so much weight to these songs it made me feel like Fat Albert was going to start moshing with the Kool Aid Man in a arena of death. One of the most exhilarating tracks to me was the title track. Because it had such a straight forward and simpler sound that just gave out this old school vibe that just felt right.

   Nick Goodyear’s drum work on this cd is tight and smooth like an 18 year old virgin. Now the thunder does not stop there since you will realize that Randy Butman’s bass adds a wonderful complement to both the drums, and the brilliant twin work by these to masters of the strings of death. Ever has done a absolutely stupendous job on this album from the band to the production and you should all giveyour selves a big fucking pat on the back. No for fucking real I love this cd, and for those of you emo fucks that don’t our metal brethren will hunt you down end your miserable existence. So in closing buy this or you will hate your self forever you slimy little maggots. You know you want it and you want that harem too. -DW

KICK ASS ALBUM AND WE MUST HAIL THEM “NOW ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW”!!!
HAIL PATH OF POSSESSION!!!
HAIL CORPSEGRINDER AND SEE YOU ONLINE MY HORDE BROTHER!!!
“FOR THE HORDE”!!!

http://www.pathsofpossession.com/

http://www.myspace.com/pathsofpossession

http://www.metalblade.com/

Radium
Starring Tera Wray, Tiffany Rox, Velvet Rose, Faith Leon, Holly Wellin
(Pleasure Productions)
   Ok, this porn has a really cool concept but falls short on the delivery of idea itself. Now the way this is laid out is we have a mix of metal and porn. Like I said I love the idea of having a porn star going out to shows, interviewing bands and fans, then showing music videos, and then throwing in some porn. Now you would think this would be a kick ass treat having metal and tits but this is not the case here. But hey let’s start with the good stuff first, and by that I mean the women. This release definitely has some really hot women in it. Let’s see we have Tiffany Rox, Velvet Rose, Faith Leon, Holly Wellin, and let’s not forget or lovely host Tera Wray. Now let me say these girls are fucking hot and will totally make you have a full on robot chubby. There was couple of good bands on here and some that were just ok but I'll let you figure that out.

   Now on to the bad and lets start with the presentation. There has to be a better way of doing this and this is not it. This is set up like a movie and with that in mind let’s ponder on that idea. Ok so you’re watching this and you watching one of the sex scenes. Next thing you now you are maybe 5 minutes into it and you decide that this is getting the blood kicking. So at this point the decision of whipping out your purple headed yogurt slinger comes to pass. Now that you got your five digit fist fucker lubed up for the action and begin to punch your munchkin, believing it is all good for you and your meat puppet you get comfy. All of a sudden you realize that this sex scene is already at its climax and you're not. Now with most porn this is never a problem since there is usually another scene to follow. Not here...one sec you are beating snake to a very hot women and then boom the next scene pops up. This is where the nightmare happens and stroking away you look to see who the next hot chick is in great expectation. You look up in excitement ready to see the girl that is going to make you blow your load and surprise its Mortiis. What the fuck! Ok, I like Mortiis but not like that man, and that just really ruins the mood. Now you got to stop what you were doing and grab the now sweat/lube covered remote to chase down the next short sex scene.

   I think what we learn from that bad experience is put the interviews and music videos in a separate section.

   Ok the other thing is clicking through the chapters is all kinds of fucked up. It is not well separated at all and though the pop shot idea is cool it’s not necessary since the scenes are so short. Now I think Matt Zane needs to make more of these but need to take a different approach to it. My suggestion would be still have the porn chicks going to shows and doing interviews but putting them in like I said in a sub menu. Another thing would be to get some heaver bands like Slayer or Napalm Death and then drop the music in as the background music of the sex scene.

   The only way I can suggest that this is worth the buy is if you pick this up as a collector. Now if you do buy this here is a tip to make this better for your viewing pleasure. Take the dvd slam it into your PC or Mac and rip it to your hard drive. After all that cut all the sex scenes out and place them together. Now grab a cd of your choice (I recommend Slayer's 'God Hates Us All') and rip it as well to your hard drive. Now replace the audio from the dvd with your music choice and render it to divx. Now it is all good… just place your dvd on your porn collectors shelf and enjoy true porn metal in its entirety. -DW

SAW 4

Starring Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Lyriq Bent, Betsy Palmer

Directed by Darren Lynn Bousmann

SAW 4 actually needs no review. Fans of the premise, and horror fans in general, are going to see it anyway just because it’s been made. If you’re not a fan of its premise, or a horror fan, don’t see it. You don’t really need to see people being hung, drawn and quartered, no matter how much they might actually deserve it.

The SAW films are all brilliant in their way, since all of the horrifying deaths depicted are optional (whereas most horror films revolve around murder, the SAW series hinges on trapped ‘sinners’ being forced to choose between death or mutilation). They are also a great vehicle for Tobin Bell, a prolific and underrated actor, whose ‘Jigsaw’ character has proven to be a cinematic gold mine.

The saving grace of SAW 4 is the back-story of ‘Jigsaw’, which shows the transformation of Bell’s character from a caring engineer and husband to a merciless architect of agony. Beyond that, SAW 4 becomes another sequence of sadistic torture scenes.

If you want to watch SAW 4, by all means, do so. Like its predecessors, it’s an intelligent horror movie with gripping performances. Just ask yourself why you want to see SAW 4. Hopefully, you’re not some modern-day French peasant grinning up at the Guillotine.

(3 out of 5 Crypts) –KK

Sham
Sham
(Unsigned)

    Right off the bat you realize that there is some definite potential here with these guys and so let’s say that Sham is no Sham on the quality of their musical talent. Man this cd just kind of takes you back to the day when you could turn on the radio and still get something that at least had a rock n roll feel to it. Now some of you may know what I am talking about? Back in the day, you’re driving down the road and you don’t have you slayer tapes in the car and you're forced to resort to that uncertain disaster of a beast we all know as FM Radio. Now back then, there was not much luck of getting something close to like slayer or even metallica on the radio but they would play a lot of the glam metal bands. Though glam was our cheesier metal counterpart they still had that rock / metal element to it enough which made it maybe not the most manly but still provided some dam fine jams to get you thru that in between spot. This shit was always great beer drinking music and always attracted the old school big breasted metal chix yeee haa. Tell the truth, I’m glad to hear someone still kicking this shit and I would so much rather hear bands like this on the radio these days then some of the shit they play now. Shit I never thought I would be going down the road turning the dial on the radio and get all fucking exited to hear bands like Poison or even Kip Winger but god dam the radio has gotten that bad. I swear last year I am going down the road with no cd or mp3 player in the car and fucking "talk dirty to me" comes on. I raised that volume up so fast you would have thought that they just announced Cannibal Corpse marathon or something. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with this mud ball of fuck we live on but what I do know is these guys sure do bring back the days of old.

   Now usually I give you guys a big fact sheet about dynamics and shit about the sound well FUCK THAT SHIT here is all you really need to know BUY THE CD AND PLAY IT LOUD BECAUSE IT FUCKING ROCKS!!! Man I swear at first I was skeptical but this cd is just really fun to listen. I think the thing I love the most is the fact it makes you feel like you just walked into a old school rock show or for me it reminds me of one of junior high parties jamming L.A. guns at insane levels of volume. Between the energy from the band as a whole and the overall mix of the sound (specially the drum wow) it can even make a dark basterd like my want to rock out like a mad man.

   Sham hats off to you guys this is a damn fine first release and I can’t wait to see you guys live. The sound on this cd just makes me feel like your right here cranking it out! This just has so many flat out good jams. Especially my favorite, which is the smooth ass ballad called "Someone else’s world" and will so take far back in time that you wont want it to stop. So in all I’m totally recommending this but then again if glam isn’t your thing, I am still gonna say try and give it a chance. They deserve at least that much. -DW

http://www.myspace.com/shamtheband

Slayer
Unholy Alliance Live chapter II Preaching To The Perverted
(American records)

First let’s hit the good stuff, and Slayer is most definitely a good thing. Now, how the fucking hell can you go wrong here. We have 10 live Slayer track bestowed upon us to help with your Slayer fix. Shit, it is a pretty good set list that will get that blood pumping like a cocaine addicted moose at the Playboy mansion.

1. South Of Heaven
2. Silent Scream
3. Blood Red
4. Cult
5. Chemical Warfare
6. Eyes Of The Insane
7. Dead Skin Mask
8. Hell Awaits
9. The Anti-Christ
10. Angel Of Death

Oh it sounds so fucking awesome its got that really raw sound that Slayer delivers so well. Now we already know about how kick ass Slayer is and how well they perform and they do some serious ass kicking on this dvd. Now what I thought was the really nice was the way this was shot and what I mean they got cameras all over the place. The nice thing about this is it gives so many different perspectives especially from the way cut it together. They captured that intensity of actually being there by having great quality cams in raw shots mixed with those pro shots you would expect from a live dvd. It blends nicely and I have to say the Slayer portion was so worth getting this alone.

Thine Eyes Bleed is another band on this dvd that I thought was pretty dam good. Though since it was a first for me to hear them I would have like to have heard more than one track. Shit, I mean at least 3 tracks would have been fair. From what they sound like on this dvd, I think I'll go check them out.

Now Children of Bodom I know kick ass, and here at least we got two tracks out of them. But, I still think 3 would have been nicer, but they still kicks it out pretty fucking good here. I have never got to chance to see them live, so for me this was a nice treat, but I did notice some spots here where the vocals just aren’t in sync.

http://www.slayer.net/
http://www.myspace.com/slayer

I honestly don’t know if I am really into Lamb of God or not, so I just kind of skimmed through the one and only song they have on here. Now I did notice some really bad pixelation on that track, though I don’t know if it is the copy that they sent me or what, but that track looks like absolute shit. I saw more blocks than band that really take you away from your viewing pleasure. Especially when you pay for something and record companies wonder why so many people download. I'll tell you that this one of those reasons is you take your hard ass earned money out to buy your self a nice little treat (if your lucky enough these days to even do that much.) Anyway, you go to the store you find something like this and you get it home and it's got fuck ups in it that can’t be fixed by just taking it back. Oh hell no, it's in the production press usually and that’s that, YOUR FUCKED. It makes you people really want to test out something before they fucking buy it. For fuck sake people, it’s called product testing! Try it and actually pay attention before some crazy fuck like me buys something that’s fucked then goes on a 15 day killing spree using only frozen turd as a weapon!!!

Mastodon I thought totally suck my mothers sick nasty ass and aren’t even worth this sentence. But, they gave us 3 songs from these cosmic fuck clowns and dick us on having more of one of the other bands.

Though the menus look cool as hell, they can get a little annoying on functionality. Now there is some really cool shit on the bonus side like watching some of the fans in the parking lot going off about how much they love Slayer. There are some interviews as well but that could have been better. All things considering, if you pick this up for at least the good parts it is well fucking worth it. Now all hail Slayer and crank "Eyes of The Insane" as loud as it will go. -DW

Squirts Illustrated 2
Starring Donna Doll, Victoria Valentino, Angela Valentine, Taryn Thomas, Ava Lauren
(VCA Pictures)

This is one of the best Adult videos I have seen in quite some time. This video deals with the phenomenon of female ejaculation, and man do these girls cum hard. It's certainly fascinating to see all of this fluid being sprayed out of the vagina. It's also humorous and erotic at the same time. It looks like the girls are urinating, but they're not. Director Axel Braun swears the ejaculations are real, and upon closer inspection, I don't doubt it. The female ejaculation in this video is not caused by intercourse per se. It is caused by digital manipulation of the g-spot. With the exception of co-star Ava Lauren who shoots her wad 3 times on her own.

The scenes are straight boy/girl with female cumshots in the middle and male cumshots at the end of the scene. No anal. However, the sex is real raunchy and raw. Lots of slurping blowjobs. Many different positions are done, but mostly reverse cowgirl and doggie style.

This strikes me as a good ol' fashioned hardcore flick with no pretentious bullshit and gimmicks. It gets the blood pumping, and that's really the point of adult videos in my opinion. The female cumshots are icing on the cake.

So, this video has earned my recommendation, and when part 3 hits the racks, check that out too. I know I will. But be advised, you may never see sex the same way. Because you will learn that girls ejaculate more than guys! heh eh -DN

Tesla
Real to Reel (Reel one)
(Tesla Electric Co. Recordings)

Tesla may be getting older (an all-covers album is one sign), but they’re also getting wiser. They have their own self-contained record label now, and the Real to Reel double-album is a slick marketing move on their part…it seems like a complete double album at first glance, but a closer look reveals that the Reel 2 Disc is not included in the box and can only be obtained by purchasing a 2007 Tesla Concert Ticket! “Brilliant!” as the Guinness guys would say. Reel 1 does list the songs

That Reel 2 has, which will probably make most fans want to buy it. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tesla releases Reel 2 outright later on, and then ‘the complete set’ after that as an additional product.

Reel 1 covers “Space Truckin’, “Walk Away”, “Hand Me Down World”, “Bad Reputation”, “Thank You”, “I Got A Feelin’”, “Day Of The Eagle”, “Ball of Confusion”, “Rock Bottom”, “Stealin’”, “Bell Bottom Blues”, “Honky Tonk Women” and “Dear Mr. Fantasy”. Since Tesla’s always been fueled by their shreddin’-ready guitarists (Tommy Skeoch has been replaced by newcomer Dave Rude, who is just as competent), most all of the songs rock appreciably…”Rock Bottom” in particular is a hurricane of riffs that UFO would be proud of. Singer Jeff Keith overreaches as he tries to duplicate thirteen different vocalists, but his range is good enough that none of the songs are butchered, if they’re not improved upon. Overall, Reel to Real is a good album; thirteen songs are a cool value even if some of the choices are a bit sleepy. Just remember, you are not REALLY getting both ‘REELS’.(4 our of 5 Crypts)—K.K.

Toilet Boys
Sex Music
(Dead City Records)

   Well I am so fucking confused from the cd The Motor City Dead Man (Dnecro) sent me that I think I need a drink and in fact I do!!!

   Ok sorry about that, but I literally had to go get a drink to make sure I was still here and from what I can tell I am. So lets see, when this cd arrived I so did not want to review it I thought I was going to go off on a rant about how fucking bad it was bla bla blah. Especially from the name of the band plus the cd cover I was just expecting massive tragedy! Anyway, I put this fucker in and holy shit I was shocked as fuck and try to stay with me here since that drink is kicking in (WOW.) Now until now, I have never even heard of these guys but fuck after listening to this entire cd I have to admit its really fucking good.

   Now from what I am hearing in the sound, it's kind of a lite sounding punk and from what I read on wiki they fall under the genres of Laser punk/Go-Go Rock. Not like I am familiar with the ten gallzillan genres that seem to pop up ever where and it’s not like I even fucking care, but these guys actually rock (WTF LOL.) To me they sound like a mix of (NOW GET THIS SHIT,) The Ramones, Christian Death, and The Monkeys. Somehow it fucking works. You know what is really fucked is this is still better then the new Iced Earth, and people wonder why animated metal bands are doing better then most so called real metal bands. Anyway, getting back on track, and I’m blaming it on the drink plus the fact that this band didn’t piss me of like I thought it would.

   So tell you what, I am going to recommend checking this cd out. It might shock you, and I hope it does since it caught me way the fuck off guard. Kind of like a shark selling bibles in a doughnut factory. So yeah, not bad guys this is definitely something you have on while you’re getting hammered smashed shit faced!!! -DW

http://www.myspace.com/toiletboysnyc

http://www.deadcityrecordsamerica.com/

Wastescape
Snowing Ash
(Stop Dead Records)

   Ok, before I go ape shit I have to turn this shit off!!!

   Now that I got some Iron Maiden on to try and redeem what is left of my soul after that most brutal massacre of absolute repetitive shit. Let’s see, ok so there was a couple of realy cool licks and I saw where the were trying to go but that’s all I’m going to give it in the good section of this review. Only because I am a musician could I even get that much out of it! God fucking damn it's all there is. Nothing I hate more then when people start writing something that has the potential to be something so fucking great and then they butcher it to death! To me it is like giving birth to a child and as soon as it lets out its first cry, you slit his throat, and then you take pictures of it and try to sell it as art. Instead of letting it live and nurturing it so it can eventually evolve into a living breathing work of art!

   Man, this put me in such a fucking shitty mood I don’t want to even get in to it and so here is my suggestion to waste you time with this!!!!

Oh and here is a great question for this band besides WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? Why would you spend the money on the nice looking press release with the nicer paper and ink, but not the money on the packaging on the promo cd or hell even better maybe listening to this pile of shit before you send it out to everyone in the world and think about how it truly sounds. Jesus fuck my mother fucking Christ with a bouncing bleeding banana I know its art people but give me a fucking break you may want to include some next time around”!

   Shit, you guys had all the building blocks there to make a really badass cd. Damn, you could so hear it but you drop the ball with sloppy structures and bad dynamic placement. Man I'm begging you please throw this shit out and try again. It just pisses me off to no fucking end to see you waste your talent, and for you to waste great musical ideas that you probably copyrighted so now that musical evolutionary creature you started to build will now die in vain thanks to people like you. Other musicians can come up with great shit any more because fuckers like you waste them all up!!!!!! Fuck!!!! -DW

Wednesday 13
'Skeletons'
(Horror High)

Wednesday 13 channels the spirit of Alice Cooper, Rob Zombie, The Stooges, and Motörhead which makes 1 Hell of an album.

This is a darker and heavier affair compared to the first 2 W13 albums. It send chills up and down your spine and rocks like a motherfucker.

Lyrically this is also W13's best. Straying away from obvious horror cliches and telling a more personal and varied story.

My favorite W13 album is the debut, 'Transylvania 90210.' 'Skeletons' is its equal, and much better than the last 1, 'Fang Bang.' Which was ok, but not anything to write home about.

This is one to crawl out of the cemetery and buy. It's only available at Hot Topic stores, however. -DN

Zero 1 Zero
[degreesofseparation]
(2Records)

Now I have to say this debut album by these guys isn’t bad. It’s like Mudvayne meets Fear Factory in a way. I have to admit, these guys have a lot of potential and a lot of talent. It is a pretty good cd but it doesn’t really get the blood kicking. Don’t get me wrong, musically it is very artistic, but it seems to ignore it’s full potential. I fear that this would get lost in world full of bands with a similar sound. I think the music it self could use a little more tightness dynamically, but I do like that digital dreamy type of mood it sets. The other thing that kind of takes away from the overall sound, is the vocals. Not that I’m saying this guy can’t sing.

I actually think he sounds good, but it just doesn’t seem to fit. Though I have to say they did a brilliant job of blending it in to make it fit as well as it does. It just seems like for all the effort that went into this album, that it makes me think that a different vocal style would have been more suitable for the lead vocal. His voice seems like it would fit better as backing vocals.

Maybe something more of a Burton Christopher Bell, mixed with a Johan Edlund/Rozz Williams kind of thing would have just brought out the music’s hidden talent so much more.

The thing that I was really into though was the all the sound effects, and the over mix of the cd it self was pop n fresh liquid goodness. I am still saying it is a pretty good album and say at least give it a listen. There is some really good jams here. All an all, not a bad debut cd, but I would really like to see what these guys can really do. -DW

http://www.myspace.com/zero1zero

Rob Zombie
Zombie Live
(Geffen)

This new super beast of a release by Rob Zombie will have you screaming “HELL YEAH THIS IS JUST WHAT I WANTED” all night long! First off the production grade on this is top notch, and I mean like 'Live After Death' sounding shit. Man I just wanted to crank it so fucking loud that my ears would bleed. The overall mix is dead on balls accurate to the point that hearing the audience will get you more pumped up than pissed off. The other fucking sweet ass thing about this mix is that it gives you the feel that you are at the show. This sound packs one hell of a punch, and it's not that new style mix that so many bands love to do now, where it sounds just way to digital or dry.

On the performance side of this disk, let me say that it is as equally as impressive. The band as a whole sound so fucking phenomenally electrifying. You will find yourself blasting your air guitar and drums like a mad man. Each song is delivered with such a raw precision of excellence and aggressive intensity, that the songs take on a life force of their own. Now let’s not forget Mr. Zombie’s incredible vocal assault from which is so fucking on target that the laser scope wasn’t even needed here. This is where I thought would be the weak spot of the cd because of his vocal style, and since I have never seen him live I did not know what to expect. Well let me reassure you that there is nothing to worry about here. Rob is on mother fucking fire from beginning to end, and for me I was way more into his live vocal sound.

This cd totally fucking impressed me and the only thing that sucked was that it was only one disk. Really, I loved it so much I wanted more and I think you guys will agree with me on this. This cd had the essence of each song so fucking pegged that I like them better more now then ever. So with that in mind, if it makes you curious on how your other favorite Rob/White Zombie songs will sound, you’ll go insane dreaming of it. Now besides being greedy about wanting more songs, let me say that this release has a killer list of songs. A nice combo of both Robs solo work and White Zombie songs.

Track listing
1. Sawdust in the Blood
2. American Witch
3. Demon Speeding
4. Living Dead Girl
5. More Human Than Human
6. Dead Girl Superstar
7. House of 1000 Corpses
8. Let It All Bleed Out
9. Creature of the Wheel
10. Demonoid Phenomenon
11. Supercharger Heaven
12. Never Gonna Stop
13. Black Sunshine
14. Superbeast
15. Devil's Rejects
16. Lords of Salem
17. Thunderkiss '65
18. Dragula

I am recommending this cd. I think that it is the perfect stocking stuffer for this X-Mass.-DW