First, a word from our Editor In Grief, David Necro:

Everyone has problems, and as Alice Cooper says in his classick tune "Elected," "personally I don't care!" Well, I just happened to find someone that does, none other than Reverend Charles; gothic sex symbol,  the sworn enemy of religious nuts everywhere, and leader of the band Dark Eden. Read his bio in our 'Epitaphs' section.

Reverend Charles is very experienced in more ways than 1, and he understands the needs, problems, and yes, dilemnas, of you boils and ghouls who make up our subculture. So, if you're about to slit your wrists or drink too much absinthe...ask the Reverend first!

Send your deepest and darkest thoughts to: asktherev@cryptmagazine.com

Without futher ado, here's the Rev!

You know, I hate deadlines. this is why I always had my column on my own site and not on someone else's, where I would have to rely on things like time limits and deadlines and the like. but, David Necro told me of how the masses were craving my vast knowledge. and, goddamn it, I have to think of the children. because, without the children, where would we be, right? Well, to quote George Carlin, "fuck the children!" Anyway, I am sure there was a point to this rambling i'm doing. Oh yes, that's right, my column. Just for those unaware, I am a world traveler, a model, an actor (admittedly, in low budget films, only, so far), a featured porn actor (four on them, one banned in America, quite proud to say), the vocalist for one of the best upcoming New York City bands, Dark Eden (our website is http://www.darkeden.org, btw). I have probably slept with more women than most of you will meet. I am well-read, clever, out-going, and always willing to share my vast knowledge with others. Yeah, I have a large ego, but, whatever. If I hadn't actually done anything, i wouldn't be bragging, now, would i? Anyway (and those who are regular readers of my site will come to realize that's probably my favorite word as i abuse its use quite often), here i am, willing to share my knowledge with the lot of you...

Well, kiddies, after months of radio silence, i am back. the original idea for
this column was that it would be monthly, but...FUCK SCHEDULES, MAN! I'M A
REBEL! I'M OUT OF CONTROL AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME! I WON'T BE RULED BY YOUR CLOCKS OR YOUR CALENDAR OR YOUR TIME/SPACE CONTINUUM!
I'M...i'm...okay...okay...actually, that's not the reason this column is late.
The real reason, basically, is that i was in such mourning over the death of our
beloved pope, john paul ii, that i wasn't able to concentrate on anything else
for a long, long time. he was a beautiful man who made us all believe and the
world will be a sadder place without his words of hope. why, without him, how
would we know how evil women and homosexuals are? how would we have known that people in the poorest of countries, without any means of supporting themselves, other than to pick poppy seeds or become compaq service reps for a rupee a day, should avoid using condoms, so that they can have even more children, and add to the overpopulation of their filthy little third world countries? how would we have known that both masturbation and sex in positions outside of the missionary were wrong? Keep pope alive, i yelled, but god didn't listen. luckily, after the death of our beloved pontiff, the vatican then elevated reichskardinal ratzinger to the lofty rank of kirchefurher, and all was right in the world. All heil our robert-blake-in-lost-highway looking neu-pope. Let's all goosestep into heaven together...actually, i didn't write a column because, well, i have a life and i don't have enough time to sit in front of a computer all day, waiting to answer your petty bullshit, when i could be out spreading the gospel of my band, Dark Eden, plus, i didn't get enough interesting e-mails until now. but a few people did pull through and, well, here you are...

Beloved,
calvery greetings to you in the precious name of our lord and
saviour,Jesus Christ.
We bless the name of the Lord for what he is using us to achieve all
over the world in this end-times.Having watched global events for
sometime now,it is obvious that more and more christians are assuming
positions of authority in virtually every field of human endeavours;in
Economically,academically,politically etc.
I would like to support your ministry activities for projects and its
cost of execution, may God bless us all as we work in his vineyard.

-racheal

dear racheal,

err...i am not sure you realize just what kind of revere...oh
wait...no...uh...ummmm...why yes, racheal, blessed be the fruit of thy womb and
the many offspring i am sure you've brought into the world, no doubt spreading
the word of our savior to trailer parks and street corners all over the former
confederate states. i would very much like...nay, need your support for
my ministry activities. why i often find myself drunk on the...uh...wine
produced in this vineyard, crushed under foot by the virgin mary herself,
because, really, what else are...oh fuck it, you dippy fucking re-re. enough of
this! even i can only be so sarcastic before i start getting disgusted! it's
obvious you just say i have the title "reverend" and you figured i was one of
you. no need to actually read my column. no need to actually realize you are
offering to fund someone who looks at the things you are doing as the greatest
problem facing the world today. nope. because being a christian means not having
to read the actual text of anything, outside of its title. if anything, your
letter should serve as a warning to everyone on my side of the fence. the
christians are organized, they are politically active, and they are willing to
spend money for their cause. how many of us can say the same? while we're all
fighting amongst ourselves, or dancing badly to world music holding "peace now"
sings, the enemy are eating away at our rights. how many people hear are aware
of hillary clinton and john kerry's attempts to appease the religious right by
passing a bill that encourages "freedom of religion at work." now, at first,
that may sound like a good thing, until you realize that by allowing religion to
infiltrate a secular job, you now are facing all sorts of scary conflicts of
interest. are you a woman who wants to get your birth control prescription
filled or you want a morning after pill? well, this bill allows a pharmicist to
not fill it if they are religiously opposed to birth control. legally. say, you
are on your way to planned parenthood to get an abortion, because your dad will
kill you if he finds out you got knocked up? better hope that the cops they
assign to the job aren't opposed to abortion, because they could legally refuse
to protect the clinic if it goes against their belief system. that's right,
kiddies, we, in america, are in the middle of a war, and most of us on this side
are too apathetic to take sides. and if we do take sides, we are afraid of
actual revolutionary action. and that's what shapes history: action. but then
again, we live in a society so influenced by judeo-christian thought that we
don't even realize the origins of a lot of our thinking. example: how many gay
bashing incidents do you think occurred in the roman empire pre-christian
influence? i'd be willing to wager...oh, about none. yet, how many of you, out
there, who hate christianity, also hate homosexuals? think about it.

Dear Reverend Charles,

While I realise that this is probably a very narcissistic question,
this has been bothering me. I am an 18 year old virgin. Now, most
people, when told this amusing fact say "Good Job!" This is not
something like saving myself for marriage. I didn't decide to do this.
I find I'm at a bit of a loss.
I generally have high self esteem, with the exception of finding that
no one except creeps are attracted to me. I'm not ugly.
I'm 5'6", 165 lbs, My measurements are 40" 30" 40". I can get my waist
down to 26" with a corset. I have clear white skin, black hair (dyed)
and blue eyes. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't think I'm a
horrible person, I'm just a snarky smart-ass most of the time.
I'm generally attracted to slender pale men, with dark hair, and
INTELLIGENCE! Those traits are generally rare, but fuck, they're not
that hard to find!!! They're just never attracted to me.
Do you have any insight for me? Or were you wanting something more
abstract to rant on.
---Morgan---

Dear Morgan,

Trust me, there's no subject i can't rant about. but i do want to talk about
your problem, instead. see, at first, your measurements kinda got to me. i mean,
for your height, you really should be about 35 pounds lighter. now, before
people start ranting about poor self-esteem, let me say i'm not telling you to
starve yourself and get down to 100 pounds (even though at 5' 6", 100 lbs. is
really sexy), i am telling you the ideal "healthy" weight for someone your
height. plus, 40" hips at 5' 6" are fairly wide. i mean, there's hour glass
figures, and then there's figures that resemble the pattern on a black widow.
but then i thought about it some more and realized that, really, girls a lot
larger than you are getting laid on a fairly regular basis <I>and<./i> by guys
with the same boy type as i have. some of those guys, i am sure, are just
chub-chasers, and some of those girls, i am sure, just put out a hell of a lot
more than your average girl, but, i am sure that isn't the case most of the
time. i think, if anything you've hit the nail on the head. it's your
personality. hell, you ended with, whether you realize it or not, an insult.
plus, i get the impression you feel that the way you are shaped is the way women
are "supposed" to be shaped. while that may be a subject that is open to debate,
nobody likes a girl who goes out of her way to put down other women in her quest
to be noticed. it always comes off as petty. most men ignore it when they're
already doing a girl. some of us, though, find it an ugly character trait. it's
like people who insist on telling people their IQ. you seem to have a really
high opinion of yourself, yet another thing i noticed about your letter was that
you described your question as "narcissitic." most questions are, really, but
that most people just take that as a given. yet, the fact that you felt the need
to frame it as such tells me that, while you have a high self-opinion (or, at
least, convinced yourself that you do), that you are afraid to take chances.
it's like the little boy who pulls the pigtails of the girl in front of him
because he's afraid to just come out and tell her that he likes her. you insult
people and you hype yourself up to hide the fact that you are unsure of
yourself. if all of that is coming through to me from a single letter, what do
you think people who meet you are getting? if you're going to cover your flaws
in conceit, then go all the way with it. stop apologizing for the things you
want. stop feeling you have to put down everyone who you might like, and i bet
you do, whether you realize it or not. and if you want someone, have you tried
just being out-and-out aggressive? or do you feel that makes you seem desperate?
use your feminine wiles. seduce the men you like. stop feeling that they should
come to you. you probably scare off potential suitors that way. see a boy, go
for him. if he doesn't want you, then go for another. trust me, if you do it
right, and, if they don't mind your size, then, trust me, you'll become a
regular at the drug store counter, buying 12 packs of condoms, in no
time.

Dear Reverend Charles,

     My mom died a few months ago. I was closer to her than I have ever been
with anyone else (or ever will be for that matter). I don't talk about her much;
unless someone brings up the subject. This, however, is rare. I have not gone
back to the cemetery since the funeral, I go about my life just as I did before.
Sometimes when I'm alone I cry, a lot; but only when I'm alone and have time to
think about everything.

     My family and so-called "friends" bitch continuously about how I've
changed, and how I need to "deal with it". Maybe it's just me, but I don't
believe I've changed at all, and I thought I was dealing with my mother's death,
but only in my own way. They (friends and family) keep telling me to visit a
psychiatrist. I on the other hand don't really see the need. I don't walk around
pissed at the world, blaming whoever I see fit, for the fact she's gone. I do
get sad/jealous whenever I see people I know with their moms because I miss mine
so much but I just have a good cry and occupy my mind with other things.

     When ever people crack "yo momma" jokes they don't bother me, everyone else
believes they should. My question is: Do I need to see a psychiatrist? Is it
wrong for me to try to scrape up what few pieces are left and try to move on?
Just because I don't break down and make a scene in public every time some one
says "Yo momma's so fat..." or something equally ridiculous happens mean I'm not
dealing with her death?

   I'm asking you this because you don't know me, and to the best of my
knowledge you didn't know my mother either, and based on the information I have
given your possibly the only person who I could get a sensible answer from (and
besides, that Dear Abby bitch never gave me an answer)

Thanks in advance,

~Brenda~

Dear Brenda,

Thank you for letting me know that i am merely dear abby's sloppy seconds. that
makes me feel so touched, really. anyway, as for your letter, trust me, i would
never tell anyone to go to a psychiatrist. well, that's not true. but, unless
you are smearing feces on the walls and trying to eat gerbils, i wouldn't tell
you to go to one. in honesty, i don't see anything wrong with you. you seem to
have taken to mourning privately, which i can understand, as i lost the woman
who raised me too and people thought i should've been a lot more upset about it.
see, the thing is that everybody around you doesn't see the private side, where
you dealt with it in your own way. so they just assume you are trying to
overcompensate for your grief, by closing off your emotions. they think that you
are burning up with pain inside and if you'd only let it out, you'd be a lot
happier. you loved your mom and you are living with your pain. but you also
realize the importance of moving on. life is for the living. when we mourn, we
are not mourning for the dead, we are mourning for <I>our<./i> loss of the person
who we loved. they are gone. but they do not suffer anymore (unless they have
been reincarnated in, like, nigeria or something). we are the ones left behind
and so many of us don't want to face the fact. you have. that's something to be
proud of. your friends and family...they expect a show they aren't going to get
from you. you can't change your family, but you can change your friends, and, if
they refuse to just accept the fact that you aren't going to perform the
mourning rituals they want to see, you may just have to do that. sit people down
and just explain all this to them. if they understand, then good for them, but
if they don't, then it may be time to move on...from them. good
luck.

Hello Reverend,

My name is Loki and I have decided to send you my question in hopes you could
give me an answer. I am the lead singer for a Goth/Industrial band called Red
Myst Halo. We have just begun our band and practice is soon to start. I saw
from reading your column that you yourself are in a band. So my question to you
is, How do you know exactly how to sing the lyrics to a song so they sound
good with the music? I mean I listen to all these bands and think to myself it
cant be that hard but then when I think harder about it well it doesn't seem as
easy then. I am honestly not sure how to make sure the timing is right and
how to make sure the singing of the lyrics will match up with the music. I hope
you are able to answer this for me because most other people in bands I ask
are to fucking good to write back, but seeing as how this is an advice column
I'm sure I can count on hearing something back.

P.S. Fuck what all these little twinkle toe fairies think about you. I think
that the fact your almost 30 and still true to yourself is fucking awesome.
You are proud of who you are and what you stand for and that is something nobody
can ever take from you. I'm sick and tired of these little susie homemaker,
whiny ass, little goodie two shoes bitches always giving us shit for the way
we dress and the style we like. I wish murder were legal because if it were the
streets would be shed with the blood of my enemies.

And ryan fuck you, your a twit crawl back under the rock you came out from.

Thank you,

Loki
Red Myst Halo

Dear Loki,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. hearing how others wish to string up
mutual enemies from every telephone pole...well, it warms the cockles of my
heart, it does. anyway, as for how to apply melody to the lyrics you write,
that's a tough one. different vocalists have different ways of doing it. i know,
with myself, i tend to write lyrics with a melody in my head. that's something
that developed over time, really, as when i first started out, i would just
kinda would growl out the lyrics as quickly as possible to just fit them over
the music, but i think a lot of that had to do with not being confident in my
vocals at the time. now that i've gotten more confident in them, the melody has
become almost second nature. but let me walk you through my process, at least.
once again, remember, different vocalists have different techniques, so if this
doesn't work for you, then try something else. but, with me, i tend to write the
lyrics first. so, i write them, with no music pre-written. when i was first
getting into using melody, i would usually write them to the tune of a song i
happened to like. it would help me keep them in a cohesive form. i know would
how many syllables i needed and then i could work from there, trying to fit the
idea i have in my head within that framework. also, keep in mind that i am not
telling you that the finished product should sound anything like the original
song. if anything, that's bad, only because your goal is to give yourself an
outline, not to rip someone else off. don't limit yourself to the amount of
verses that the original song has. don't try to copy the format of the original
song. just take form the words in a way that you can hum, basically. now, what i
tend to do when i have lyrics first (which, as i've stated is 90% of the time),
i will go over the lyrics and try to see what type of feel the lyrics are giving
me. are they angry? are they sarcastic? are they trying to inform people of
something? this is very important, btw, because when you are singing, if the
lyrics match the mood of the music, it'll be a lot easier to convey that
onstage. so i'll shape the music around the mood the lyrics set. now, you have a
set amount of syllables and you have music to go with it. the key now is to just
adjust the vocal melody to fit the music you now have. it helps if you are able
to adjust your voice to do different styles. growling. singing. whispering.
always remember, the lyrics will mean more and be easier to sing if you can
convey the words you are bringing forth. it's one of the reasons why i have
always encouraged band members to write music, but always feel that the lyrics
are strictly my job. if i don't believe in what i'm singing, how can i feel it
effectively? anyway, hope that helped. good luck with your band.

Hey Shitbrick,

Lupa or whatever the fuck your nigger sounding name is, I see you put your shitty ass hair in braids. Why that is gonna be one hell of a mess when they come out on your already frazzled  "locks." Your hair looks like some shit out of "The Night Before Christmas" all you
need is a stocking cap and some shutters to throw open. You got 2 holidays
down because that thinning hair also resembles the Crypt Creeper's flyaway
mop . You are so damn scrawny with that mess atop your head you look like a
Q-tip that has been pulled apart (the cotton part) and then left out in the
rain soaked gutter and then dried by a bathroom hand dryer, or cotton candy
on a stick at the town fair.

I can't believe some craptacular magazine asked you to write anything in
their publication. Especially an "Ask Rev" section, it's bad enough you have
this fucking self-absorbed piece of shit on your own journal, but at least
that is YOURS. This is something that is to be shared by all sorts of
people, now they have to deal with your boring and mundane diatribe. You
fucking suck with your pseudo-intellectual rants. I mean who the fuck wants
your opinion on anything other than how to be in a go nowhere god for saken
shit sucking band.

That brings me to the subject of that horrendous shit fest you call a group.
You are no lead singer and you certainly suck. I mean give it up already,
you are what, 30 years old and still haven't gotten anywhere. I mean jesus
Lupa I would just stick my head in an open oven and end the pain already. I
mean what do you play, every 9 months or some shit? I mean women give birth
in that time span and here you are booking a second shitty gig for the year.

On the topic of women, you think you are god's gift to them and I can't
imagine how you could be. Your body looks like a fucking Auschwitz survivor
and I can't imagine that scrawny dick being any bigger, pencil dick. I am
sure it has the length and girth of a Mike and Ike candy. One of the crappy
flavors too.

Ok enough about you as you spend far too much time on your boring self for
me to devote any more precious moments or words on your sorry ass.

See ya fuck face.

The Truth
Shanai Dunmore

Dear Shanai,

First, why are you referring to yourself as "the truth?" are you a professional
wrestler? a bible? a superhero? is your special power the ability to obsess over
people you'll never be lucky enough to meet and to write them pointless
diatribes? i am thinking you said to yourself, "well, i am going to show that
reverend charles guy a thing or two! i'll destroy his worldview by throwing
racial slurs at him and telling him i dislike his band! that'll show him! he'll
be found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in a locked room before he can
even respond to me! i'll destroy his fragile little world with my insults, which
i am sure i am the first person to ever say to him!" Well, i regret to inform
you that your insults will do nothing but render you a source of mockery and
amusement for me and the readers of my column. you have, through your decision
to turn your dislike of me from a private one to a public one, become my bitch.
so, let us go over your points one-by-one as you pick up the soap, shall we?
first, i love the racial slur/misspelling of my name combo you pull off in the
very first sentence. nothing says "i am lazy" like skipping letters from my last
name and nothing says "i have an intelligent point-of-view" like whipping out
the ol' prejudice. maybe your klan hood slipped while you were trying to read my
column and that's why you didn't see those last two letters. or maybe you simply
don't understand that "lupula" is a latin word and latin is the root language of
the language you butcher every day: english. i'm amused that something you don't
understand suddenly sounds black to you. are you saying black people are smarter
than you? or maybe that's how you deal with everything you don't understand. do
you blame the jews for inertia? do mexicans make it rain? are the chinese
responsible for your sexual inadequacies? read a book other than <I>the turner
diaries</i> once in a while and, maybe, you'll actually learn something. and if
you think my hair is thinning, maybe you should look at the picture above again
and realize that the sides of my head in that picture were...get this...shaved!
that's right, they didn't fall out. my hair isn't falling out at a rapid rate. i
did that on purpose. and it's growing back, something that it wouldn't do if it
was thinning. i know people don't do go for them thar crazy hairstyles around
the trailer park you waddle around, but in the big city, we like to look all
crazy-like. although i do thank you for explaining to me which side of the q-tip
can be taken apart. here i've been trying to take the stick apart all these
years. now, i know. and knowing is half the battle.<BR>
as for a magazine inviting me to have a column...jealous much? while i'm sure a
column written by you would be entertaining in a what-would-corky-do-way, the
sad fact is that no one cares about your opinions, but they care about mine.
hell, you even do. or you wouldn't have written me. i am doing you a favor by
responding to you. this way, you can show all your friends and family that
someone paid attention to you. someone important. and then you can masturbate
furiously to all the .jpg's of me you've printed up. even if people are laughing
at you, i've elevated you to a level your mundane existance could never allow. a
celebrity (and even though i am a minor one, i still count as a celebrity)
actually took the time to verbally bitchslap you. the only thing that could've
made your life more complete would've been if i came in your eye.<BR>
as for how often my band plays, well, you are right in that i only played two
shows in 2004, but that's because i didn't have a lineup i <I>wanted<./i> to play
live with until august/september. i had one in 2003 and i wasn't happy with
them. so i waited until i had the right mix of people to do it again. it's
called not compromising, a concept i am sure you are unfamiliar with. i would
rather not play onstage than play with people who are just going to waste my
time. i went several years without a performance because of that. i don't do
things just to do them. i do them because they mean something. meanwhile, your
entire life has been compromise, starting with your mother's lack of an
abortion. and, just to let you know, we've played quite a lot of shows in 2005
and have actually had to turn down offers for various reasons. we have more
coming up too. a few out of state offers. people working street teams in europe
and australia. appearances on fuse. magazines requesting copies of our cd to
review. this column where i can self-promote all i want. pretty good for a band
that's going nowhere, huh? what do you have except a gut and, probably,
unwanted children?
finally, as for my penis size, well, if you're really curious about it, you
should go buy the adult films i was in. or maybe check out the websites i've
appeared on. or maybe just ask your mom why her ass hurts so much this morning.
or was that your dad? hard to tell them apart, what with them both having
breasts.
anyway, i've devoted quite enough of my time to you, so continue reading. it's
people like you who make me realize just how much better am i than the majority
of the rest of my country.

Anyway, kids, that's all for this month. keep those letters coming in, as this
column is only as good as the letters i receive. and to the girls trying to become crypt girls, i'm not the one who decides that. Necro is. although if you'd like to send me all sorts of naughty pictures, i certainly do not mind. as for the rest of you, i am off. toodles. -RC

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