CRYPT MAGAZINE: sex. horror. rocknroll.

In this issue: Music CD reviews of At All Cost, Bolt Thrower, Dragonlord, Horse The Band, Indexcase, Look What I Did, Society 1, Unknown Instructors, Wet Animal, and 'The Masters of Horror' and 'Rainbow Six: Lockdown' soundtracks.

Horror movie and DVD reviews of: 'Bloodrayne,' Night Stalker: The (In)Complete Series.'

Reviews by: K.K, Rachel, and The Pusher.

Bloodrayne
MPAA Rating: R
Starring:
Kristanna Loken, Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Matt Davis, Matt Davis
Written By:
Guinevere Turner
Directed By:
Uwe Boll
Studio:
Romar Entertainment
Production Company:
BollKG

I hate Uwe Boll, he’s artistic ability is like slapping dog shit on canvas and proclaiming it a masterpiece.
I don’t know why anyone would let him buy the rights to fantastic video games so that he can turn them into dribbling blobs of anal explosions. First he ruined House of the Dead with his regurgitation initiating spinning camera scenes then some monkey let him buy the rights to Bloodrayne.

For any of you non-gamers out there, Bloodrayne is a fantastic video game where you play an uber powerful Dhampir, half-vampire/half-human. Uwe Bolls flick does follow the story line layed out by the video game however Uwe places the storyline into the 1700’s as opposed to between the World Wars like the game does.

Uwe Boll selected a fantastic cast: Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen , Michelle Rodriguez , Meatloaf & Kristianna Loken; Every good actor needs a shit movie to help pad their resume and pay for the rent. Uwe kindly recycles Will Sanderson from “House of the Dead” as Domastir; Every fuckwit director needs a monkey that will dance for peanuts.

I won’t even bother with explaining the plot because the only thing you will remember, if you are stupid enough to waste your money on this turd, is the horrible accents reminiscent of a bunch of elementary school students trying to fake an aristocratic English accent. The dialogue is horrendous, it sounded like something William Shatner would say; Every single character talked like James T. Kirk. Uwe even tries to save his crap movie with a soft core porn scene involving Kristianna Loken.

The foul stench coming from the theater wasn’t coming from the restrooms it was from Uwe Bolls turd of a movie. Save your money, seeing Kristianna Loken get her nipple licked isn’t worth $7.00. -Rachel

BOLT THROWER
Those Once Loyal
(Metal Blade Records)

I was psyched to get a chance to finally listen to the legendary BOLT THROWER, The ‘Metal Warlords’ of the UK, and with THOSE ONCE LOYAL I wasn’t wholly disappointed. Their latest CD continues the band’s horrific fascination with war, with grinding metal tracks like “The Killchain” and “Anti-Tank (Dead Armour)”. “Entrenched” gives you the creepy feeling that you were back in World War One, and unfortunately stuck there. The band has a clear Motorhead/Tank influence, and although they’re not stellar musicians, their bone-crunching rhythms and machine-like cadence are perfectly suited to military-metal anthems. The one monkey wrench in this long-running sonic war machine: the ‘vocals’ of Karl Willets. Straight out of the ‘Cannibal Corpse’ school of bellowing and grunting, Willets sounds like an alligator trying to mimic human speech. It’s a good thing there’s a lyric sheet, otherwise you wouldn’t understand a thing.
Luckily for Bolt Thrower, we’re in the age of ‘bellow & grunt vocalists’, so they fit right in. (3 out of 5 Crypts). -KK

HORSE THE BAND-'THE MECHANICAL HAND'
LOOK WHAT I DID-'MINUTEMAN FOR THE MOMENT'
AT ALL COST-'IT’S TIME TO DECIDE'
(Combat Records)

     As a metalhead, I owe Combat Records a few props for introducing Megadeth, Exodus and other bands to my droogs and I, back in the day. It took these three new releases to make me realize Yeah, what DID happen to Combat Records, anyway? Perhaps they got burned too many times by the ‘launching pad syndrome’—launching bands only to see them get snapped up by bigger labels with deeper pockets.

In any event, Combat is back, no longer strictly a metal label, but now promoting punk, grindcore, emo, metal, and experimental bands whose work defies easy labeling. Apparently they’re hunting the Next Big Thing, which is both courageous and risky.
In the packaging department, they’re off to a good start, giving their CDs stickers with advance rave reviews, website titles and “If you like…(slightly older, more influential band)…then BUY THIS CD NOW!”

HORSE THE BAND and LOOK WHAT I DID are two bands cut from the same crazy quilt of originality; you’ll either love them or hate them, but you won’t be able to dismiss them or find too many other bands like them. HORSE THE BAND is described as an ‘experimental Nintendo-based hardcore band’, and that seems to fit. Their CD THE MECHANICAL HAND opens up with “Birdo”, a blitzkrieg of thrashing guitars, drums and spacy keyboards set to insane lyrics such as “the geek with no beak he’s so weak he can’t speak…GO EAT YOUR EGGS!!!…I poke out an eye…THROW IT BACK!!!” Next track “A Million Exploding Suns” is a bit better, although Nathan Winneke’s vocals are overpowered by the band’s instruments. That holds true for most other tracks, except “Manateen” where they slow down a bit (“These poor sheep tonight they weep begging for death but they settle for sleep.”). Erik Engstrom’s keyboards sound almost welded to David Isen’s guitar, making for a pretty unique sound, and the percussion’s tight, but once again Winneke is from the ‘shrieking’ school of modern vocalists, making you either love them or hate them…

LOOK WHAT I DID’s CD MINUTEMAN FOR THE MOMENT sounds a lot like HORSE THE BAND if the keyboard element was removed. Barry Donegan shrieks a bit better than Nathan of HORSE, possibly because he actually sings a few verses here and there, then takes a break to talk for a bit, then shrieks again. LWID’s lyrics seem to be one-quarter infomercial, one-quarter beat poetry, one-quarter punk angst and one-quarter sheer madness…second track “Ultimate Complete Home Fitness Machine” goes “Carnet cornered, milky luster, in a creek bed, everybody wants to find it there, not the market or a coal mine, in a corn field it would lay lost, someone’s rock is your perspective, someone’s fear is your divining rod, water bucket ripple ocean…” Et cetera. Interesting titles abound, such as “The Fox Eats TV Ishmael”, “Appomattox Whorehouse”, “Cupid Full of Eros”, “Benevolesaurus Lex” and such. The deliberately unstructured sound gets a bit catchy after a while: a brief storm of thrash, followed by mellow pop, some jazz improvisation, thrash again, some chatter, mellowness, repeat as necessary. You might consider LOOK WHAT I DID to be Experimental Punk-Jazz Hardcore. These two albums are not for the timid, though; only shriek fans need apply (3 out of 5 crypts for both).

Combat’s third offering is IT’S TIME TO DECIDE from AT ALL COST, comes off like a sonic plot to impeach and execute the Bush Administration…too bad this CD won’t do it all by itself. A revolution rages out of this disc, recalling the righteous anger of Rage Against The Machine and the grim futuristic warnings of Fear Factory. Opener “Death To Distraction” proclaims “We are at war but what is it for? They say on the screen “democracy’s dream” but why don’t they trace the blood back to the green?” These are indeed the questions that demand answers, and AT ALL COST continues demanding answers throughout the disc…namely, why most Americans have turned a blind eye to their compromised government. “Polish The Nightmare” blasts the wartime economy and “The Irony” and “The Return” are savage prophecies about the consequences of terrorism. The roars for justice and freedom only let up on the love song “The Hook”. The nonstop thrash is spiced up here and there with vocoders, violins, classical guitars and synthesizers…some tracks even approach rave-danceable beats…but once again, we’re given vocals that are just mere shrieks in the same register. It’s a shame, because AT ALL COST have important things to say…you just can’t understand them without reading the lyric sheet. (4 out of 5 crypts for the effort, though.) –K.K.

DragonLord
Black Wings of Destiny
(Escapi Music)

DragonLord, I kneel at thy alter, unworthy of such wonderous sounds. Although I can’t really hear your roaring, growling vocals I am quite enticed by the variety of instruments and how well you mesh them together.
You could be vomiting into the microphone for all I care and quite honestly your regurgitation blends so well with the symphonious sounds played by the band., I nearly creamed my panties.

I love how “Curse of Woe” combines hard as nails snarling Metal with a classical background. “Sins of Allegiance” could easily be on a horror movie soundtrack with it’s myseriously terrifying intro, leading us on a gratifying guitar journey accompanied by Eric Peterson, of Testaments, snarling demonic voice. It’s almost like having Satan himself tempting you.. “Until the End” shows Petersons versatility as a vocalist, he goes from snarling Demon to seductive, darkangel without losing his edge. “Emerald” sounds a bit like Ozzy mixed with Spinal Tap, still good.

DragonLord proves their versatility by playing a mixture of Metal from Black Sabbath style , Type O Gothrock style to snarling like Mudvayne. Drop your panties, sell your shit because this is a MUST HAVE C.D. I haven’t heard Metal this good in a long time. -Rachel

INDEXCASE
(Mortal Music)

Look out, LINKIN PARK, ‘cause INDEXCASE is gaining on you. In fact, they’ve already caught up with you, and with any publicity at all, they’ll be past you. INDEXCASE has the LINKIN PARK sound that every teenager in America raves to, with just a bit of TOOL-style vocal creepiness added in to give them a bit of flair. Lyrics are senseless, but rhyme very well (‘Perfect Season’: “Everyday that’s taunted, another day you’re haunted, something you wanted…forgot it.”). Joe Ansley’s a decent and understandable singer, capable of both crooning and shrieking. Bassist Nick Borror and Drummer Jordan Spence kick out good, heavy rhythms, and guitarist Josh Parker finds a decent riff for every song, but oddly never plays a solo. INDEXCASE has a good, clean sound overall, but really need something to help them stand out among the thousand other LINKIN PARK-style bands crowding the market right now. (3 out of 5 Crypts). -K.K.

You STALKED Me All Night Long
NIGHT STALKER: The (In)Complete Series on DVD

No horror fan’s DVD collection could truly be called complete without the new 2-DVD set of NIGHT STALKER. Although ruthlessly cancelled in mid-season by ABC, Buena Vista Home Entertainment has released all of the series’ aired episodes, plus four episodes never seen on TV.
Frank Spotnitz’ new vision of the classic 70’s horror show combines the supernatural chills he perfected on the X-FILES with the emotional character conflict of most ABC dramas. On a quest to solve his wife’s baffling murder, crime reporter Carl Kolchak (Stuart Townsend) discovers a host of horrific evils stalking the night.
Hounds from hell are unleashed in the Pilot episode. In “The Five People You Meet In Hell”, a manipulative psychic tricks his victims into killing their loved ones. “Three” has the members of a collegiate secret society slain by their worst fears. A murderous telekinetic child diabolically rearranges his perfect family in “Malum.”
“The Source” and “The Sea” traps Kolchak between scheming FBI agents and ghostly indestructible bikers. Fans of the X-FILES and the original series will appreciate the unaired episodes even more: “Into Night” features a killer who’s both a vampire and a mummy. “Timeless” echoes THE NIGHT STRANGLER with its charming elderly madam who fights aging by eating the pituitary glands of younger women, straight out of their brains. “What’s the frequency, Kolchak?” pits Carl against a homicidal mental patient in a chilling battle of wits. The set also features two scripts on DVD-ROM, a conversation with creator Frank Spotnitz, four deleted scenes, and two audio commentaries. All told, that’s 426 minutes of slick chills, well worth the price. -K.K.

Society 1
The Years of Spiritual Dissent
(Crash Music)

I’ll never forget the first time I heard Society 1. I was lookingthrough the used cd bin @ the Record Exchange about six years ago,looking for something to distract me from the shit all the radio stations were playing at the time. At the bottom of a stack of about
400 cd’s (what can I say? I make a day of it), I stumbled on my first copy of 'SLACKER JESUS' by this band I’d only previously heard stories about. “Those guys are overrated,” the clerk told me. “Once you take the stage show away, it’s not as good.”

Considering that he’d never even SEEN their show, I asked him point-
blank, “What the fuck do you know?," as he fidgeted with the edges of
his Radiohead shirt and bagged up my selections for the day.

Once I got out to the car, put it in, and heard “Get My Back” for the
first time, it was all over. Little did I know, it would only be
the beginning.

As I’m sure most of you know, I’m not usually that big on retrospect
compilations. I ripped Motley Crue a new one for putting out 'RED,
WHITE & CRUE' because it lacked enough new content to justify buying a
double album for three new songs. One of which Tommy Lee didn’t even
play on. (Come on, HOW many greatest hits and remastered versions of
their catalogue are already available?) I’d love to say I’m sorry
for that. But I’m not. I have a big fucking problem when bands get
too greedy and don’t give me my money’s worth.

So I can already envision the hate mail I’m probably about to receive
for telling you, whole-heartedly, that this is something you NEED to
pick up.

Ya see, it’s like this...

When you find yourself at the top of your career, only to be
subsequently dropped by your label shortly thereafter, most bands
would collapse faster than a house of cards in Tornado Alley; never to
be heard from again unless they’re asking if you want fries with that.

However, Society 1 is NOT your average band...

And while THE YEARS OF SPIRITUAL DISSENT is primarily a compilation of
tracks from their pre-Earache releases with a few new songs added in
to keep the mix interesting; it’s not so much THAT it’s a compilation,
but more WHAT it’s a compilation of. SLACKER JESUS and WORDS AS
CARRIERS (Zane’s spoken-word cd, much in the style of the Lizard King)
are NOT the easiest records to get your hands on, unless you’ve picked
them up at one of their shows or have been following these guys the
whole time like I have. Old school favorites like “Push It
Through”, “Let’s Do It”, “Thinking Is The Link” and “So It Dies” still
stand up great alongside new track “This Is The End” & the two covers
that round it all out: Alice Cooper’s “Sick Things”, and the Sabbath
classic “Who Are You?” Which turned out A LOT better than even I
thought it would.

But that’s not all, kiddies...In addition to the great cross-section
of tunes & spoken-word pieces, the disc also comes with a 2-hour bonus
dVd that, quite literally, features more tits & ass than a truckload
of Girls Gone Wild videos in addition to interviews, classic & live
footage, and coverage of the record-setting suspension show from the
U.K. DOWNLOAD festival (1st time ANYONE has performed while doing a
suspension, EVER.) Shit, the dvd alone is worth the price to pick
this up.

The best news of all, of course, is that a NEW cd ('SADIST MESSIAH') is
on the early 2007 horizon. But, this is a great way to kill time
waiting for it to get here. -The Pusher

Unknown Instructors
(Smog Veil Records)

Nomatter how deeply I pressed the Q-tip into my ear canel, I couldn't seem to go deep enough to clean "Unknown Instructors" out of my brain. If only they would just shutup and play their music, I might enjoy them a bit more.

They have some decent jazzy tones however the majority of their music sounds like they popped a few hits of acid, listened to too much of The Doors and somehow in their acid driven egotistical state decieded that this shit sounds good enough to record.

The song "Punk is Whatever We Made It To Be" features the following lyrics:
"His sex is a disease, He is a stop sign." ,"Is this girl vs. boy with different symbols? Being born is powerful" ,"Scout leader nazi tacked his bitch sin". They are spoken the same way Jim Morrison did the song "The End"; And he keeps walking down the hall.

Unknown Instructors should pool their financial resources into a band that doesn't suck as much as they do. I feel dumber for even listening to this nonsense, even in an altered state this music still sounds like shit. My dogs asshole spouts off better lyrics than this band.

Get rid of your singer and just play music or fuck off. Thanks! -Rachel

Wet Animal
(Escapi Music)

I really liked the band Wet Animal, they reminded me of 80's hairbands like Mötley Crüe ( Mötley Crüe is not a hair band -DN) Cinderella, Ratt, and Skid Row.
In their song "Soul Alone", the musicians vocals are fantastic combined with a hard guitar riff; I am so in love, I love metal hair bands.

"Lost in my Head" sounds good and showcases the boys ability to harmonize. I found myself banging my head just ever so slightly and repeating
the lyric "I'm lost in my head and I'm gone". There are a multitude of activities one could do to this song: Offroad, play halo, FUCK!

I loved the bongo into on "Outside a Hole" and the vocals remind me of STP's Scott Weiland. For those looking for a slower tune "Left Behind" doesn't let you down.

There isn't a single song on this cd that sucks, from "Soul Alone" to "Relentless" the band Wet Animal, teaches you the lesson that good 80's metal isn't dead.
So, light your zippos, buy some aquanet and borrow your mommy's makeup bitches cause Wet Animal is here and they FUCKING ROCK! -Rachel

MASTERS OF HORROR: THE SOUNDTRACK
(Immortal) Hey Kids! Ever wished you could have thirty of metal’s newest heavyweights on one collection? (God, this sounds like one of those old “K-tel” ads…) Well, now you can, with the MASTERS OF HORROR Soundtrack. FEAR NO MAN! Stomp, Crush, Kill, Destroy, Maim, Immolate, Cripple and Snap your enemies with 30, count ‘em, 30 brutal unreleased tracks from Mudvayne, It Dies Today, Bear Vs. Shark, Avenged Sevenfold, In Flames, Shadows Fall, Mastodon, Death by Stereo, Buckethead, Rise Against, The Bronx, Far Before The March of Flames, Yesterday’s Rising, The Bled, and Scary Kids Scaring Kids! Go to bed with up to any number of succulent CRYPTGIRLS by playing dreamy Goth horror tunes by Andrew W.K., Matchbook Romance, Bedlight for Blue Eyes, Norma Jean, Fall River, From Autumn To Ashes, Alkaline Trio, Thursday, Murder By Death, Funeral for a Friend, A Change of Pace, and Gratitude (since ‘up to’ clearly includes the number ‘naught’)! On the serious tip, MASTERS OF HORROR offers your best chance to sample all these bands at once. This 2-CD set from the new Cable Horror Phenomenon is also smeared with gory-ass artwork and an essay by series creator Mick Garris. My only gripe is, beyond the song credits, that’s all it has…I was hoping to find some sort of bonus DVD or a list of what song went with what show or director (it is first and foremost a TV series, after all), but no. Oh well…beyond that, MASTERS OF HORROR is an astounding nu-metal value. 5 out of 5 Crypts! -K.K.

RAINBOW SIX: LOCKDOWN SOUNDTRACK
(Calvin Records)

Merciful freakin’ God. It’s official; video games have taken over the world. Since they already make more money than Hollywood’s motion pictures, it only makes sense to pimp them for all they’re worth. With RAINBOW SIX: LOCKDOWN, you get the soundtrack, a DVD with four music videos, a virtual comic, an e-coupon, a game trailer and live interviews with the soundtrack’s producer (Raymond Herrera of FEAR FACTORY). You also get tracks by Soilwork, Chimaira, Strapping Young Lad, Fear Factory, Devil Driver, 36 Crazyfists, Trivium, Not Forgotten, Bury Your Dead, Killing Zone, Kush, Last Amanda, Bill Brown and Mnemic.
One would hope the actual game itself is good (the PR package says nothing about it), but with all this going for it, you don’t even have to be a video game junkie to appreciate RAINBOW SIX. The 16 hammering metal tracks on it are worth it. (4 out of 5 Crypts) -K.K.