CRYPT MAGAZINE: sex. horror. rocknroll.

First, a word from our Editor In Grief, David Necro:

Everyone has problems, and as Alice Cooper says in his classick tune "Elected," "personally I don't care!" Well, I just happened to find someone that does, none other than Reverend Charles; gothic sex symbol, the sworn enemy of religious nuts everywhere, and leader of the band Dark Eden. Read his bio in our 'Epitaphs' section.

Reverend Charles is very experienced in more ways than 1, and he understands the needs, problems, and yes, dilemnas, of you boils and ghouls who make up our subculture. So, if you're about to slit your wrists or drink too much absinthe...ask the Reverend first!

Send your deepest and darkest thoughts to: asktherev@cryptmagazine.com

Without futher adieu, here's the Rev!

You know, I hate deadlines. this is why I always had my column on my own site and not on someone else's, where I would have to rely on things like time limits and deadlines and the like. but, David Necro told me of how the masses were craving my vast knowledge. and, goddamn it, I have to think of the children. because, without the children, where would we be, right? Well, to quote George Carlin, "fuck the children!" Anyway, I am sure there was a point to this rambling i'm doing. Oh yes, that's right, my column. Just for those unaware, I am a world traveler, a model, an actor (admittedly, in low budget films, only, so far), a featured porn actor (four on them, one banned in America, quite proud to say), the vocalist for one of the best upcoming New York City bands, Dark Eden (our website is http://www.darkeden.org, btw). I have probably slept with more women than most of you will meet. I am well-read, clever, out-going, and always willing to share my vast knowledge with others. Yeah, I have a large ego, but, whatever. If I hadn't actually done anything, i wouldn't be bragging, now, would i? Anyway (and those who are regular readers of my site will come to realize that's probably my favorite word as i abuse its use quite often), here i am, willing to share my knowledge with the lot of you...

well, i'm back. not really much to say as i
didn't get that much good mail. in fact, i didn't get
any "good" mail, really. sure, i got mail, but most of
it was not the type that i found interesting enough to
actually respond to. come on, people. now, i know that
the majority of this country are inbred
mouth-breathers who voted for bush, but i would like
to think that the people who view this site are not.
why does dan savage get all the interesting mail? why
must i get a barrage of "my boyfriend fucked my best
friend, what should i do?" mail? stop being friends
with people who will fuck your boyfriend! jesus
christ, people! anyway, the result of this is that i
only have one letter to answer this month. not that
his letter was exactly a picture of brilliance, but,
at least, he asked me something i could rant about.
anyway, onto the idiocy...

Hey Dude,
A friend of mine sent me a link to your site. Before
I get hypercritical, I suppose I should tell you I live in
Southern California, and although the water temperature peaks
at around 70°, the fact that at almost anytime of the year I could go
into the water and take in a very pleasant view probably gives me a
warped view on life. Then again, you have the Chrysler Building
nearby, and I'm sure that's nearly as breathtaking. Anyway, your biography
says you're nearly thirty years of age. Now don't you feel a
little silly strutting around in pleather and listening to music with a target
audience of youths who believe they're disaffected just because they
didn't get picked for the sports team or have the best complexion? I
mean, I would probably do that sort of thing if I could make a lot of
money doing so. (singer for the next corporate "goth" act? Puh-leeze -DN). I really don't understand why you need to build this whole lifestyle around worshipping the "dark things in life." Some of the sources from which you derive your ideals say some
really obvious things that conflict with traditional Western ideals just for shock value. It's not like everyone loves thy neighbor, but do you really need that LeVay guy telling you it's ok
to dislike someone? Look, you can for cohesive sentences, so
maybe you should put your abilities to something more constructive than
making little goth songs. How much longer can you continue on as
you are? Eventually you're going to turn into a joke. Robert Smith already cornered the 2old2sad market, so better luck somewhere else. I can espect that you've found a comfortable niche, but life is a lot more fun without that typical goth cynicism and weirdness that filters out some of the more enjoyable aspects of life. Maybe you
can divert your energies away from rubbish like Ann Rice and read
something with more substance like Kerouac. I'm not advocating that you fit into the
cookie-cutter white picket fence American dream, but it just isn't
becoming for someone about to hit the big three-zero to masquerade
around like every day is Halloween. Big, stupid smiles do more good for the world than sneers and snide remarks. Also, I get the feeling that you have an inherent disdain for the common person. People aren't that bad. Even if you think they're just mindless cogs in a
wheel or whatever it was I used to think, too. On the whole, there's
a lot of bad stuff in the world, but given your place in the world you're shielded from a lot of it and it seems as though you're giving the one finger salute to a society that gives you
opportunities unheard of elsewhere in the world. Sure, there are problems, but
there are better ways of going about fixing them. Perhaps if you pursued those avenues, you might be able to change more minds. And then everyone's happy.
Keeping It Real,
Ryan

dear ryan,
i am glad you are keeping it real. i also was amused
by the fact that the one sentence that you spelt wrong
involved you telling me i could "for(m) cohesive
sentences." classic, ry-ry, seriously. anyway, do i
really have to explain to you the difference between
robert smith and i? do i? let's see...robert smith is
old. robert smith is fat. robert smith's band has
created a total of, oh, let's say, three good songs in
the over 20 years that it has existed. yes, i am
getting close to 30, but you know what? i don't look
it. i don't feel it. i still feel young. i still feel
beautiful, and that, really, is what matters. is there
some sort of rulebook i am supposed to live by that
says when i turn a certain age, i am supposed to
conform to the "norm?" ever occurred to you that i
like how i am? that i don't want to suddenly change
because of what society says i should be? hell, you
wonder why i hate people so much! well, ever though
that maybe it is because this stupid fucking attitude
that says i should change is so widespread? i feel
happy everytime something thinks i am younger than i
am because, yeah, i am getting older. i am getting
closer to death. but i don't feel it. i am happier now
than i was ten years ago.

oh, i almost forgot! for those of you who were
wondering, i fucking hate the cure. there, i said it.
live with it. they are whiny taffy-pulling music.
sorry. just how i feel. live with it. boy who wears
makeup who doesn't like the cure. it's the apocalypse,
i swear.

of course, bush getting back into the office may very
well bring the apocaylpse to us. after all, the vast
majority of the people who voted for him were
evangelical christians. these are people not just
waiting for the end of the world, but hoping for it.

their fervent support for israel is not based
on some sort of sudden wish to be nice to the jews,
but because their messiah cannot return until the
third temple is built in jerusalem. they don't care
about democracy in the middle east. they don't care
about fighting terrorism. hell, they want to provoke
more terrorism, so that the world goes closer to the
end.

people, we are in a war. you went to sleep in america,
on the 2nd of november, and you woke up in bosnia on
the 3rd. we are seeing a cycle of holy war continuing
in this country. hell, the majority of people who
voted for bush aren't aware the civil war is over, so
to expect them to know the crusades are over is asking
too much. but you know what...

fuck it. why am i ranting about this in an advice
column? it isn't going to change anything. that's what
my other works are for. to try to awaken people to the
sickness that has infected our country. nobody is
listening here. nobody cares. or they would've written
me more interesting questions. so, whatever, back to
the letter...

in fact, no. not back to the letter. fuck the letter.
and fuck you, ryan. go die. i don't know why i
directed so much attention to you. you don't deserve
it. go be one of the shiny, happy people you are so
proud of. and leave me the fuck alone.

as for the rest of you, start writing me more
interesting questions! that is what i am here for! do
you want this column to be filled with "why do you
still wear makeup at your age" bullshit? is that
really what you want to read? are you even reading
this? i wouldn't know. i have a life outside of this,
you know.

and you should check out my band's site, http://www.darkeden.org
as we just put a video up that i am very proud of. for
our song, "3 Years, 10 Months, 8 Days." it's all
sortsa cool. and i am very proud to say we did it on,
literally, a double digit budget, with me editing and
directing. it is something i had a lot of fun doing,
really. so, go check it out. then look at your sad,
pathetic life, and think of what you are unsure of.
then ask me about it. and, for crissakes, if your
boyfriend fucks your best friend, she is not
your best friend.

duh!

i'm off...

asktherev@cryptmagazine.com